by J. D. Riso
I would like
to express my heartfelt gratitude to the
following people without whom this novel never
would have been written.
foremost, Id like to thank my father for
calling me sissy boy. His searing
contempt pissed me off enough to make me rebel.
Dad, I hope you come across this book during your
graveyard shift as janitor at the public library.
especially grateful to my mother for pretending
that everything was peachy and ignoring my pain.
Why cant you be more like your father?
Hes a real man! What are ya, queer like
Uncle Butch? she nagged. I had no choice
but to channel my rants and raves into writing.
Have fun bragging about this at your weekly
Overeaters Anonymous meetings, Mom. And dont
ask me for an autograph, either.
My tenth grade
English teacher, Mr. Livingstone, was
particularly influential in my formative years.
Without his scathing, spittle-flecked tirades
about my work, my fire might have been snuffed
out. Have another Valium on me, you toupee-wearing
fascist! Without you, I would have ended up just
were my peers who sneered at my aspirations, my
so-called friends who turned their backs on me
when I was down. Hey, I didnt need you all
anyway! To you, my friends, I flip the ultimate
Over the years,
my English 101 students were unceasingly scornful
of my tweed jackets with the elbow patches and my
well-gnawed pipe. They snickered during my
passionate litanies on Proust and the decline of
literature. I hope you amused yourselves my dear
children, for Im sure that the rest of your
lives wont be so amusing, given that
youll never rise above a career in retail.
It gives me
much satisfaction to mention my ex-girlfriend,
Katie, who ripped out my heart and fed it to the
dogs. Her gleeful cruelty was the spark that set
this novel into action. Oh yes,my sweet, you are
faithfully rendered within these very pages. But
dont even think of crawling back to me.
Of course, the
medias obsession with fame caused me to set
lofty, unrealistic goals. Theres nothing
worse than being a nobody, and thanks to its
incessant goading, Im not!
thanks to the masses. Their inability to
formulate their own opinions makes this novel a
sure bet for the bestseller list. Selling out is
great fun! I only wish that I had trampled on my
ludicrous ideals sooner.
Most of all,
Id like to thanks my cats, Muffy and Fluffy.
My wittle meow-meow machines! Lights of my life!
Daddy loves you!
I do realize
that my gratitude may come across as self-indulgent
gloating. However, Dear Reader, this day has been
too long in coming. I thank you for throwing me
the proverbial bone.