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More Unsettling Remarks
by M. V. Montgomery

Did you just eat an angry Whopper? Have you been drinking the hater-ade?

I could eat you up!  I’m a zombie for you!

Opossums are so weird with those white faces, they’re not even human.

Why did the explorer avoid going to the tennis court? He was afraid of can-a-balls.

The big cheese told me any salary adjustment would be contingent upon a performance review. So I got up from my seat, went to the front of the conference room, and started singing.

The other day as I was trying to start my car, it began to send up billows of white smoke. 'What’s wrong with it?'  a neighbor shouted.  'Nothing,' I replied. 'I think it might just be electing another pope.'

I fooled you! Soc.! Econ! What, no, I mean, Psych!

You’re not losing a wife, you’re gaining a garage.

I feel like I have blood on my hands; I had to kill several pages on internet today.

Attack of giant beast at sea: squid pro quo.

I was growing tired of crawling across the floor picking up my daughter’s stuffed animals, and my hands were full, but fortunately I was wearing a very fuzzy sweater bristling from all of the static electricity. And so I simply stuck some of the smaller ones to the sweater material. Then my wife entered and told me to stop, our child had to learn to pick up after herself. Sheepishly, I stood up. What’s all that? she asked, seeing me all covered with stuffed toys. Sheesh! I replied. Must be my animal magnetism.

You win some, lose some. I just try to be as winsome as I can.