Katarina Johnson-Thompson's
Insane Name Game
by Harry
Blackwell, aged 48 and a half
You know
Katarina Johnson-Thompson? The double
Commonwealth gold winning heptathlete and double
World Champion? She’s one of the UK’s
outstanding athletes, and has been for a decade.
Well imagine
if she ended up marrying well-moisturised
funkmaster Mark Ronson, but wanted to keep her
maiden name as well as taking Mark’s name.
She’d
become Katarina Johnson-Thompson-Ronson.
Sadly, due to
issues with Mark’s toilet etiquette, and
much to the chagrin of their families, they would
split up shortly afterwards, but again she would
feel strongly about retaining his name. (You’ll
find that’s a recurring theme in this piece.)
She would then
meet loveable psychopath Charles Bronson on one
of her regular ‘poetry-in-prison’
sessions (an Ed Milliband initiative), and after
a whirlwind romance, they would get married.
Katarina
assumes the name Katarina Johnson-Thompson-Ronson-Bronson.
A few weeks
later, she attends a linkedin event titled ‘Personal
Brand Development And Other Total Bollocks’
- Charles Bronson is unable to make it, as he’s
in solitary confinement after blowing a raspberry
at a prison guard. Here Katarina finds herself
sitting next to the inventor of the pickle, Mr
Branston.
The chemistry
between the two is palpable and they wed in a
humanist ceremony the next day. Katarina is
thrilled with her new name: Katarina Johnson-Thompson-Ronson-Bronson-Branston.
But wait! Who’s
that lurking in the bushes at the wedding? Its
only American bloke Bryan Cranston – and he
has sexy eyes for Katarina. He sends her a love
letter every day for 3 days and she is won over.
They marry and
she becomes Katarina Johnson-Thompson-Ronson-Bronson-Branston-Cranston.
Its around
this time that she bumps into Marilyn Manson at a
village antiques fair (Marilyn can’t get
enough of commemorative mugs you see) - and they
fall deeply in love. As everyone well knows,
Marilyn had married Ted Danson and members of the
band Hanson just a year earlier.
Thus, when
Marilyn and Katarina wed, she becomes –
almost unbelievably - Katarina Johnson-Thompson-Ronson-Bronson-Branston-Cranston-Manson-Danson-Hanson.
Katarina is
keen to celebrate her new-found love, so decides
to appear on large bloke who says ‘question’
like ‘quess-tee-un’ Richard Osman’s
House Of Games.
There, she
meets actor, legend and quiz addict John Thomson.
Katarina’s elite performance on Answer Smash
impresses John enormously and, in front of the
cameras, he gets down on one knee and proposes,
like the gentleman he truly is.
But Katarina’s
already got a Thompson so she doesn’t want
John’s johnson.
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