12 Things I
Learned Before 2014
by William Kitcher
I don’t
have to move out of my place after all. Turns out
I live more than 1000 meters from that girls’
school.
There’s some kind of space-time distortion
in my very warm kitchen. For several years now,
the oven clock has said 425.
True story. The former head of the National
Security Agency was on a train talking on the
phone. A journalist overheard what he was saying
and tweeted some of it. The NSA guy was alerted
to this, and made comments to the journalist. He
didn’t like the idea of being spied on.
If it wasn’t for capital punishment, we
wouldn’t have a long weekend at Easter.
If you wanted to incinerate all the incinerators
in the world, I don’t know how you would do
that.
I drink to forget, and then I forget to drink.
You can get rid of poverty by making it rain more.
I hardly ever see any panhandlers when it’s
raining.
I was listening to this woman who said that you
should always trust your instincts, and my
instincts told me she was talking nonsense.
People fail to see the other possibilities for
wind farms. Not only are they a clean renewable
energy source, on those hot humid still days, you
can hook them up to oil-fired generators to
create a nice breeze.
When you’re in a hurry, other people exit
the bus more slowly.
There’s a big difference between a
linguistics student working part-time as a
waitress to put herself through school and a
waitress who didn’t finish her linguistics
degree.
Newspapers write editorials in favour of
proportional representation when their party has
lost to a party of a different political stripe.
The best piece of advice I can give you is to
never take advice from anyone.
I sort of learned how to tie my shoes.
My grandma’s phone # was Ravensbourne 4039.
I don’t know how to count.
I didn’t learn that much before 2014.
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