16 Things I
Learned In 2015
by William Kitcher
True story. An
eight-year-old with an Uzi at an Arizona shooting
range couldn’t handle the recoil and ended
up killing the instructor. Nature’s way of
weeding out the stupid.
When you flip through pages in a book to find the
right place, all the pages flip one at a time
until you get close to the page you want, and
then they start flipping 2 or 3 at a time.
If you’re the kind of person who thinks that
the glass is half-empty, pour me another one.
I repeat myself a lot. I repeat myself a lot.
The reason dogs often look at their humans is
that they’re saying, “Hey, did you
smell that??!!??”
When the instructions on the shampoo bottle say,
“lather, rinse, repeat”, that doesn’t
mean you should keep doing it until you use up
the whole bottle.
Always look at the ground when you walk. That’s
where money and dog poop fall.
They said, coming back from an injury at my age
would be tough. They said, it would be really
hard. They said, it would take hours and hours of
work. They said, I would feel pain I’d never
felt before. They said, it would be nearly
impossible to achieve. They were right. I quit.
Sometimes I go out and rob people, just in case
they have a winning lottery ticket.
Soccer is like drunk sex: you wait and wait and
wait for something to happen and if it finally
does, it’s usually a bit of dribbling and a
poor shot.
If your feet get cold, put on a pair of socks.
The 3 things you shouldn’t talk about in
bars are politics, religion, and sex. Oh, and
money. And sports. And movies. And music.
“Affluent” and “effluent” are
only one letter apart.
In movies, men never finish shaving.
The director of our department is almost
completely illiterate. Even when she talks, she
puts the apostrophes in the wrong places.
The difference between “passionate” and
“argumentative” is whether or not you
agree with the person.
I wish I knew how to count.
I know I will learn a lot in 2016.
|
