23 Things I
Learned In 2019
by William Kitcher
When I got to
the end of the piece of soap in the shower, I got
a fresh bar and attached the bit left to a new
soap bar, and realized that I’ve been using
the same piece of soap for 30 years.
“Oliver!” was the movie that made
street crime and child poverty fun.
The guy who said “in like a lion, out like a
lamb” wasn’t talking about March. He
was talking about sex.
Conservatives suppose too many things that are
wrong. I call them suppositories.
Children are not the future. They’re already
here.
I watched the last 45 minutes of the first Steven
Seagal movie I’ve ever seen. I’ve now
seen all of Steven Seagal’s movies.
After the dysentery virus got out of control, the
incidents of diarrhea rose excrementally.
I realized I was getting old when I put juice on
my cereal and milk on my cat.
Part of the problem with the American psyche is
that the country is bordered, and possibly
squeezed, by 2 very different countries. On the
one side, you have a country full of people who
are highly intelligent, educated, hard-working,
and innovative, and on the other side you have
Canada.
The sculpture of David where he has a really
small penis is the statue of limitations.
I learned that there was one professional athlete
whose hobbies weren’t hunting and fishing,
but instead, reading and chess.
According to 2 people I know, refugees are all
wealthy people who can’t be bothered to
declare their wealth and get into a country
easily.
I’m happy that ads now show plus-sized
models but they’re all attractive so I
wonder when ugly fat people are going to be in
ads.
People who say they’re “under the
weather” can’t explain what “over
the weather” means.
“Brides Glue Component” would be a
great name for a band.
The Jets made a trade with the Giants which doesn’t
seem that remarkable until you know the teams
were Winnipeg and San Francisco.
I didn’t catch the name of the woman in the
therapy session; I think she said she was Ms. Ann
der Stood.
I’m sorry I called Walter a “foreskin”.
I meant to say a “bit of a dick”.
Sometimes you have to go back down the road you
travelled to return to the fork in the road so
you can take the other road. I don’t know
what that means but it sure sounds profound.
The term is actually “Dead Sea Squirrels”.
It’s not really treason or corruption or
obstruction of justice if a Republican says it’s
OK.
Sometimes I have trouble with the letter “a”,
and it’s very frustrating. I call it the
irritable vowel syndrome.
Maria Sharapova grunts like that because of me.
Learning how to count is difficult.
The number one cause of death for non-smokers is
telling smokers they should quit smoking.
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