A Professor
Explains His Dissatisfaction With Jagger's
Satisfaction
by Mir-Yashar Seyedbagheri
To:
Mr. Mick Jagger
From:
Professor Douche, Liverpool, Lancashire, England
Re:
Problematic grammar in “Satisfaction.”
Dear Mr.
Jagger,
As you know I
am not the biggest Rolling Stones fan. However, I
respect your audience’s adulation. However,
your inability to respect the English language
greatly perturbs me. It also perturbs
my pompous tweed coat, which inhabits a life of
its own. In particular, I am plagued by paroxysms
of pain, just listening to “Satisfaction.”
Let me quote
the main offending line:
“I can’t
get no satisfaction.”
I certainly
derive no satisfaction from this guitar filled
dreck posing as music. I derive far more
satisfaction studying the Book of Common Prayer,
ever the staid Anglican. I cannot even attempt a
smile, quite frankly
Clearly you
derive no inherent satisfaction from proper
grammar either. Why not change the lyric to, I
derive no satisfaction? Yes, it loses some of its
energy, its rebelliousness, but it holds more
grace and verve now. I derive no
satisfaction.
I daren’t
ask what brand of “satisfaction” you
seek to derive. To each his own. I suspect your
brand entails rolled joints and multicolored
pills, but we are pontificating on the egregious
grammar, not your drug choices. If you cannot
derive satisfaction from drugs, then perhaps seek
gainful employment.
Again, I
digress.
Again, you say
you get no “girl reaction.” I am not
surprised. They must be appalled by your sloth,
their sexual urges curbed by your double-negatives.
Were I of the female persuasion, I shouldn’t
touch you with a ten-foot pole.
Also, you say,
“Cause I try.” Not necessarily
imperfect grammar, just merely a reflection of
laziness. Change that to “because I attempt.”
Then, at least you would be trying to sing a song
with grammatical and emotional coherence.
Also the
deliberate and omission of “Gs” in line
after line gives me heart spasms. Drivin’,
Tellin.’ These may seem the perfect
manifestation of rebellion, but English language
enthusiasts are collapsing all over the world.
The Queen, in fact, lamented her English being
dragged through the gutter. In fact, she had to
have a glass of sherry with the Archbishop of
Canterbury and me.
And my last
issue: All the no nos and hey heys. What emotion
is that supposed to convey? Find the emotion. Tap
into it.
My final
recommendation: Spend more time with your grammar
and less time doing your Jagger moves.
Your sneer
evokes no visible reaction from me, the pompous
professor.
Sincerely
yours,
Professor
Douche
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