At a Loss
by Vincent Barry
I am at a loss.
Permit me to explain.
I received today a special delivery from First
National Mint and Trust, located on Freedom
Avenue in North Canton, Ohio, informing me that
my family name is inscribed on valuable silver
bars. These family-named silver bars, it assures
me, are “documented, authentic, and are
minted of .999 pure silver”— and going
like hot cakes. No wonder. Who wouldn’t want
“a real nice nest egg to save,” not to
mention own the world’s only known silver
bars bearing my family’s name? All I have to
do is call—who is it? Oh, right, FNMSBO11.
Yes, call and tell FNM, “Send me a silver
bar” for $184, or, alternatively, “F,—if
I’m not being too personal—, send me
your ‘Absolute Best!’—the thirty
silver bar collection for $866.”
I am torn, I really am. Especially, looking at
the attached picture of “Mary Ellen,”
“the 40th Treasurer of the United States of
America, Emeritus,” whom I’d describe
affectionately as a cat lady who hoardes mugs,
writes:
Congratulations!
I’m so glad we were able to
locate you. You see, the Silver Bars bearing your
family name will
always have great value, even after
we are long gone. Surely, when you gift them,
everyone
will remember your generosity. Be
sure to check the Red Box to get all 30 Silver
Bars arriving
in the Free Estate
Treasury Chest—you get 5 Free Bars! But
please, by all means, do not
miss the deadline.
May 3 is Mary Ellen’s deadline. But mine is—well,
next Tuesday. That’s when Marborg comes
around. Marborg? Oh, they believe in “Doing
Good, Making Good,Treating Our People Well.”
They also pick up my trash, and are very
particular.
Thus, my aforesaid loss.To recycle or not to
recycle? That is the question.
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