Cooking for the
Single Person – Chapter 9 – What You’ll
Need In The Kitchen
by William Kitcher
What
You’ll Need In The Kitchen
The topic of this chapter is: What You’ll
Need In The Kitchen, all in capital letters. (And
don’t be confused about the similarities of
the word “kitchen” and my last name.)
Naturally, the purpose of cooking is to eat.
And with what do you need to eat? Yes, your
fingers are fine if you’re splurging on some
fried chicken fat or a McWendyKing’s rat
combo, but on those other days, when you want to
prepare something for yourself in the comfort of
your own hovel, you'll need cutlery.
Yes, I know “cutlery” is a strange and
confusing word, but all it means is knives, forks,
and spoons. You’ll need only one knife, one
fork, one teaspoon and one dessert spoon if you’re
a loner, a loser, or a sales representative...
sorry, I repeated myself there.
But if you ever plan to cook for that special
someone in your life, you’ll need more than
one of each. A good rule to follow is: count the
number of friends you have, subtract the number
of friends you’d never give food to, and
that’s how much cutlery you’ll need.
You may be thinking that you could stock up on
plastic cutlery from a local fast-food restaurant
but please remember, having matching plastic
cutlery impresses people only if they’re
from Alberta.
If you ever have Chinese food delivered, you may
also want some chopsticks. But be sure to read
the instruction manual that comes with them or
you’ll never figure them out. My
recommendation is to stay away from chopsticks
altogether because you could poke your eye out.
Now, you’ll also need things in which to
cook your food. I recommend pots and pans,
preferably not made out of lead unless you want
to become as dumb as a bag of hammers or if you’re
aiming toward a career in politics.
And you’ll also need plates and bowls,
unless you do as I do and eat right out of the
pan or off the floor.
You may also want to have something to drink out
of. You should stay away from glasses because
they can break if you drop them. I admit that the
sound of ice cubes tinkling in your glass may
seem to be very attractive but it’s an aural
illusion. (“Aural” doesn’t mean
what you think it does – it has to do with
your hearing.) If you want to know what falling
ice sounds like, watch the movie “Titanic”
and in particular, the scene when the ship hits
an iceberg. That’s what ice sounds like and,
as you can imagine, it’s quite dangerous.
Instead, get a “glass” that’s made
out of plastic. Not only does plastic come from
oil and never decomposes, thus causing
environmental degradation for thousands of years,
it never breaks. If that’s still too
confusing, ask your dog if you can share his
water bowl.
You may have heard the terms “cup of tea”
or “cup of coffee” and think you might
need a cup, but I can assure you that cups are
used only by the very wealthy and therefore
unnecessary for you.
You may also have heard the term “spatula”
but I don’t know what that is.
Now, on to Chapter 10 where I’ll be
discussing 47 things you can do with a carrot.
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