Curling My Kind
Of Olympic Sport
by Carol
McKenzie
When I watch a
curling event, I want to stand on my ironing
board like a surfer, with pink sponge curlers in
my hair, adorn a robe, and glide across an ice
rink, pushing my steaming iron with the tip of a
poker. Why is it called curling instead of
pushing, or floating? What is actually being
curled, your hair, or the toes of the person
pushing the swollen puck? The answer haunts me.
I watched the
2018 Olympic games held in South Korea and I have
formed a special bond with the curling
competition.
Two or three
men of ancient caveman heritage were stooped over
like pretzels, frantically pushing short brooms
in front of what appears to be a mutant hockey
puck. One person was sliding on the ice perched
like a fencer. This person is wearing old bowling
shoes, attempting to push this smooth stone into
a circle. I am not clear what the tiny brushes
being swept in front of the puck are intended to
accomplish except to excite the crowd, but it
certainly seems to make everyone giddy. It
appears the ice needs to be dusted vigorously.
The
participants of this sport don’t need to
stay in shape, which is something I adhere to. No
concern about a strenuous workout to tackle this
sport. Curling is truly the game of donut and ice
cream lovers. A competitor doesn’t even have
to brush their teeth or comb their hair. Anyone
could do it and become a hero to their country by
shoving this mutant puck on ice, like every
janitor does when they mop a floor.
Curling also
includes a senior competition so you can be 92
and if you can get that puck to the circle, oh
baby! The seniors are required to stay under one
mile per day speed limit--no problem there.
Curling
injuries are minimal and usually confined to a
stubbed toe, unless through some cosmic event,
the puck lands a crushing blow to a curler’s
pinky finger.
Would William
Wallace embrace curling, or would he have a belly
full, call them all sissies and storm off to the
front lines with a spear? “I find
it fascinating to see the puck sliding down the
ice toward the goal ring, I can’t take my
eyes off of it,” would never pass
through Braveheart’s lips.
I think I will
continue to watch curling events with a dozen
glazed donuts at my side and leave the other ice
sports for people who may see their heroes with
broken backs and legs, trying to win a gold medal
in extreme snowboarding.
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