Jerry And Arlo
And The Good Idea
by William Kitcher
When Jerry
walks his dog, he carries a plastic bag with him.
Those who see him think he's one of those
responsible people who cleans up after his pet.
Jerry has no intention of cleaning up after Arlo.
He thinks that, if the time comes when someone
sees Arlo dump on a lawn, thinks that's bad, and
is going to yell at Jerry, he'll be able to talk
his way out of it by saying that he didn't
realize Arlo had done anything. Then he will ask
the person if he can prove it's Arlo's. Jerry
doubted that the casual passerby would carry
scientific instruments of that nature, and, since
the prospect of someone taking Jerry to court
over dog dirt seemed very small, Jerry thought
that carrying a plastic bag was the perfect
solution. Jerry also felt comfortable because
Arlo weighed 80 pounds and he was more than twice
that, so who was going to hassle them? And Jerry
thought no more about what was, after all, almost
the only thing Arlo did well. Which, compared to
human waste, was not so much, so why were Arlo's
leavings an issue anyway?
(Jerry had
been trying for 8 years to get Arlo to search out
lawns of dark houses, or parking lots, or alleys,
while he himself was practising quick getaways,
but he, meaning both Jerry and Arlo, sometimes
forgot to do so.)
So there was
Arlo, squatting on a nicely groomed lawn, while
the owners of the house sat on their porch. Jerry
stood on the sidewalk, scratching, and studying
the branches of an oak tree. The people started
screaming and yelling, and Jerry turned quickly
to see the unfortunate scene. He immediately
dissociated himself from any knowledge of Arlo,
and, casually but quickly, he walked down the
street. Arlo continued to squeeze and produced
about 3 pounds, shaped like a soft ice cream cone.
Then he was off running, through a hedge, and
over the lawns of the neighbourhood.
"Hey you,
is that your dog?"
Jerry owned up
to the dog, but dared the people to prove that
Arlo had done the deed. Arlo bounded over, and
the man bellowed at him, "Did you do that?!"
Even Jerry had
to admit that Arlo looked guilty.
And did.
He put a hand
inside the plastic bag and, as he picked up the
steaming pile, discovering that his 8-year-old
bag had a hole in the end of it, thought twice
about implementing any more of his bright ideas.
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