My Jack Bauer (or
Chuck Norris, Take Your Pick) List
by R.D. Ronstad
The boogeychildren are
afraid Jack Bauer’s in the closet.
Santa always gives Jack
Bauer what he wants, and nice ain’t got
nothin’ to do with it.
Jack Bauer could beat you
to a bloody pulp with one arm tied behind Edgar’s
back.
Jack Bauer could beat you
to a bloody pulp with one arm tied to a rusty
Buick at the bottom of Long Beach Harbor.
You think the following
events take place between 2 PM and 3 PM, but
maybe that’s just what Jack Bauer wants you
to think.
Jack Bauer has a dark alley
named after him.
A suspected terrorist was
picked up in Los Angeles and charged with public
lewdness after being seen wandering the streets
pantsless. When questioned, he claimed he'd
thought he saw Jack Bauer and it scared the pants
off him.
It never hurts Jack Bauer
more than it hurts you.
Jack Bauer once wrestled pi
to the ground.
If Jack Bauer were stranded
alone for 1500 days on a desert island, he‘d
find 1500 different ways to make Wilson confess.
When Jack Bauer hits the
road, the road says "uncle."
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