Explains Why "White Christmas" is a
by Mir-Yashar Seyedbagheri
Im Professor Botkin. When I was a little
boy, White Christmas was a popular
Christmas song. Innocent. My mother sang it to me
before she left ( with a department store Santa,
who had a phallic obsession with candy canes).
But the truth has come out.
Christmas is inherently racist. And Im not
talking about the fact that the ultimate symbol
of whiteness, Bing, sings this.
the way the song opens: Im dreaming
of a White Christmas. Sounds like a
Southerners dream, doesnt it? Whiter
than a KKK rally. Or a suburban house party,
where people compare how white they are. Its
like a measuring contest, except theyre
measuring skin pigments.
And the ending,
May all your Christmases be WHITE.
Sounds pretty racist. Why not just end with
may all your days be merry and bright.
Leave it. I know Irving Berlin was going for a
rhyme scheme there, but WHITE? Really Irving?
supremacists got to Irving Berlin too.
To be fair,
there are images of children listening and sleigh
bells. Some nonracist images. But if theyre
dreaming of a white Christmas, then what is
everyone else dreaming about? What are our Latino
brothers dreaming about? Our black brothers? And
the narrator writing Christmas cards to? The
NAACP? Or is he writing to fellow Protestants who
have ten-foot high fences? To people who want to
build walls to keep African Americans out, along
argue Im over my head. Hes just
writing Christmas cards. But what about the
Hanukah cards? Kwanzaa?
obviously a racist Christmas song.
So, then what
do we call the holiday? Suggestions? You need to
participate. Can I call on a black person? We
must have one black student.
people? How about a Latino?
to settle on you WASPS. This can be a learning
encompass Hanukah and other holidays, but imply
only those of the Caucasian persuasion are
encompassed. Its a start, though.
aliens. What if an alien wanted to join us? Maybe
the reason they keep invading and blowing us up
is because we leave them out.
me going on zombies.
stereotypically liberal. Yes, I am a liberal, but
conservative friends complain that Im
obsessed with turning the world into a rainbow
house of diversity. This is truly my nefarious
What if theres
life beyond the beyond? Still a problem.
class, it seems inherently simple. White
Christmas is racist. It cannot be remedied. It
cannot be played on the radio. It will cause
riots. Department stores will be broken into.
Santas will not be safe.
With a line
like, May all your Christmases be white,
everyones going to need a psychiatrist.
Preferably one whose Christmases are neither
bright nor white.
Christmas to all and to all a good white