Snuffle in
Silence
by Andrew Sansom
Snuffles hate Kids Club.
Just cos show for children, doesn’t excuse
lazy journalism. Snuffles ashamed of his part in
it, try ask hard hitting questions but hard cos
am dog. Presenter Man Matt often have politicians
on show, never ask What you intend do bout
housing crisis? or Party politics
inherently flawed no? Presenter Man Matt
obsessed with moosic, moosic and football. He
always askMinister, you like Jay-Zed? (He
no realise it pronounce Jay-Z) Minister always
say ‘who?’ because is old white man.
Then both laugh and talk football and superhero
film. Snuffles think is borderline propaganda.
Worst part is, snuffles
have sit next to guest whoever is. Snuffles there
to look cute. Snuffles should never have signed
contract, or at least had lawyer look over. One
time, Snuffles tried bite particularly nasty
guest, he smell of lies, and fish. Snuffles growl
and go for testes. Got man to swear and interview
end, but Snuffles feel empty, knew he better than
violence. He must have class, like Andrew Marr.
Today gon be worst day of
all. Prime Minister come on. Announce new
national reeding scheme. Is mere publicity stunt.
Distract from school cuts. Of course Presenter
Man Matt lap it up, like snuffles at water bowl.
He come to snuffles in dressing room before show
say This big career moment for me, for us, we
cannot have repeat of testes incident. Snuffles
nod and lick Presenter Man Matt’s face so he
understand. He leave and Snuffles chew own butt
to get rid Presenter Man Matt taste.
Snuffles conflicted, must
respect PM for sake of career, but he really
deplorable man. He have many scandals. Before
cameras go live PM sit on sofa talking Presenter
Man Matt, they talk bout nothing but laugh like
Hyena’s watching Simpsons. Snuffles
given cue, go sit next to PM. Snuffles obey.
PM smell terrible, worst
one ever. Snuffles not get paid enough for this.
Snuffles not get paid at all. PM’s sweaty
hammy hand grope Snuffles head. Snuffles think of
career, think of own BBC one politics show.
Snuffles behave.
Interview start. Presenter
Man Matt says is honour to have Prime Minister
with us. He doing that voice again, one producer
don’t like, too urban. PM and
Presenter Man Matt talk about favourite books.
Presenter Man Matt very vague, Snuffles not sure
if Matt reed book since Very Hungry
Caterpillar. Snuffles read lot. Snuffles big
fan of Tolstoy.
Presenter Man Matt says
what good boy PM is for doing reeding. He give PM
many easy question, feel like North Korean state
broadcast. PM make joke bout Turning a new
page, Presenter Man Matt laugh for too long,
says is funny cos they talk bout reeding.
Snuffles see PM’s testes juggle as laugh.
Snuffles drool but stay still.
Presenter Man Matt ask what
gave him idea for scheme. PM not say Cos I
taking money from kiddies and NHS instead he
say I love kiddies soooo much. I want help. Is
hooge lie, but Presenter Man Matt just nod.
Snuffles growl and back legs twitch, testes call
to me.
But Snuffles sit still.
Snuffles must rise above.
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