The New
Weekly Studies
Studies This Week's New Studies
by Jon Sindell
A new study
from the University Of Washington finds that dog
walkers who walk their dogs on their right-hand
side on the eastern bank of streets situated
along true north-south axes are 21% more likely
than left-hand-side dog walkers to report
satisfaction with their dog-walking experience.
The study's authors theorize that the heightened
frontal exposure to south-generated solar
emanations experienced by right-side eastern-bank
walkers may account for much of the discrepancy,
though the authors do not rule out a differential
effect from the Earth's magnetic field. Eighty-eight
percent of dog-walking experts consulted hail the
study as support for an official governmental
recommendation that dog-walkers situated in the
Northern Hemisphere walk their dogs on the right-hand
side of the eastern bank of true north-south
streets, but caution that research needs to be
conducted into the effect of sun hats of varying
brim dimensions in combatting the deleterious
effects of increased exposure to direct solar
emanations.
A new study
released by the Department of Urban Health of the
City of Toronto has found that urban
schoolchildren who engaged in forty-five minutes
or more of Unstructured Outdoor Play per day
experienced fewer symptoms of depression and
hyperactivity than children who did not. The five-year
longitudinal study, which followed children from
age seven through age twelve, also detected an
inverse correlation between the quantum of a
participant's UOP and the participant's body-mass
index. Participants who engaged in the most UOP,
according to the study, reported the highest
levels of Fully Unalloyed Naturalness and engaged
in the lowest frequency of Dysfunctional
Interactions with Peers. One seven-year-old study
participant, Janelle Bradford, told researchers:
"I like to play."
A new study in
the field of Global Advanced Gastronomical
Studies has found a higher incidence of nascent
symptions of pre-carpal-tunnel syndrome in
British "tines-down" diners as compared
with American "hand-switchers," i.e.,
diners who switch their tined dining utensil from
their non-dominant to their dominant hand before
conveying captured food materials to their
ingestional orifice. The study by the GAGS
Institute, the most comprehensive of its kind,
surveyed approximately seventy-two-thousand
subjects from the United States and Great Britain,
and found that 1.077% of British "tines-down"
diners reported at least mild nascent symptoms of
pre-carpal-tunnel syndrome in their non-dominant
arm, as compared with only 1.065% of American
diners. Medical experts attribute the increased
level of symptomology among tines-down diners to
the greater degree of supination of the non-dominant
wrist required to complete the ingestional
protocol. Conversely, 1.072% of American "hand-switchers"
reported at least mild early symptoms of pre-carpal-tunnel
syndrome in their dominant arm, as compared with
only 1.068% of British diners. The GAGS Institute
anticipates partnering with the University Of
Washington to compare the rates of pre-carpal-tunnel
syndrome among tines-down and tines-up diners in
the Southern versus the Northern Hemisphere.
A new survey
with dramatic implications for the intersection
of personal hygiene and public health has found
an inverse correlation between the time subjects
spend in the bathroom attending to personal
hygiene and the quantum of time elapsed since the
bathroom was last painted. The three-year survey,
funded by the nonprofit Pigmental Advanced
Institute for Necessary Tints, found that those
subjects whose bathrooms had been repainted most
recently spent an average of 36.4% more time
attending to every one of the personal-hygiene
dimensions studied, i.e.: dental care, hand-washing,
ear-wax removal, and belly-button-lint extraction.
The study further found that the effect remained
constant whether the bathroom had been repainted
in lovely Sea Foam Green, soothing South Seas
Breeze, or invigorating Crystal Stream. The study
has been lauded by public-health officials in
dozens of cities, many of which have already
commissioned studies of the effect of new paint
jobs on the productivity of public-health
officials.
Finally, a
bifurcated attitudinal study of college graduates
and tenured non-STEM professors finds a strong
correlation between respondents' occupational and
temporal status and their perception of the value
of a non-STEM education, with 99.9% of tenured
professors categorizing a non-STEM college
education as "essential," "vital,"
or "indispensable," while only 45% of
graduates one-to-five years removed from college
used the same terms to describe their education,
with 55% classifying their education as "banal,"
"lame," or "a ceaseless deluge of
doctrinal sludge." Meanwhile, 82.3% of non-STEM
graduates five or more years removed from college
categorized their education as either "Eff
off!" or "A bloody fookin' waste of
time," with 1.3% jabbing a fork into the
investigator's nose, tines up.
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