Thirteen Types
Of Zoomers
by Elizabeth Ann
Reed
Zoom meetings. Zoom
Conferences. Zoom webinars. You’ve seen them—the
Zoomers. You’ve heard them. Just don’t
be them.
1. The
Yeller shouts like a person using a
telephone for the first time.
2. The
I CAN’T HEAR YOU Insister thinks
volume level is a byproduct of how you are
projecting your voice and has nothing to
do with their volume controls.
3. The
Shaker holds his laptop/tablet on his lap.
The slightest movement causes a digital
earthquake.
4. The
Zoomer searches for the perfect device
position all through the meeting, moving closer,
closer, oops—too close, back off, a little
more, too far, bring it in.
5. The
Silhouette ignores advice about
backlighting because she likes sitting with
the sun on her back.
6. The
Icon’s video screen displays the
Anonymous Person icon and you hear “How do I
turn the video on?” repeatedly.
7. The
Snacker munch, crunch, lunch, brunch—gross.
8. The
Facer places the device closeup on a low
surface, exhibiting every wrinkle and skin tag
you wish you’d never seen.
9. The
Mover gets up to fetch a pillow, put water
on for tea, grab a pen, reel in the charger cable,
make the tea.
10. The
Crasher didn’t count on the pet cat
jumping onto the table that used to hold the now
cracked cell phone lying on the hardwood floor.
11. The
Unfashionista is no longer the vogue
fashion plate you’re used to seeing in a
meeting. You now have the dull grey sweat-suiter.
12. The
Parental Distancer flails her arms, turns
to invisible, noisy, little family members and
hisses there will be no dessert if they don’t
leave the room this instant. Now.
13. The
Pokers lean into the screen pointing their
giant-sized fingers at the screen while mumbling how
do I exit this blasted meeting.
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