Air Karma
Sneakers
by Bob Iozzia
A man realizes
or decides he needs a new pair of sneakers. His
dilemma is he realizes or decides he will die if
he buys the sneakers. The man—whose identity
is not germane to this story, but let’s call
him Larry Lyle Perlmutter of 666 Vista View Way,
Carbuncle, California—is enterprising and
amoral, so he realizes or decides the answer to
his atheistic prayers is to steal the sneakers.
As a dress rehearsal for the heist, he pilfers
his neighbor’s newspaper. He waits a day to
see if the newspaper police or another law
enforcement squad arrests him for the theft.
After the test period, he remains unincarcerated,
which boosts his confidence. A secondary reason
for stealing the newspaper is to research the
advertising circulars to learn what stores are
having sneaker sales. Not that he intends to pay
for them; he figures the store that has the best
bargains will be crowded with customers who will
unwittingly camouflage his crime.
The fateful day arrives, as does the man at the
target store (lower case t). The name of the
store is not germane to this story, but let’s
call it Sneakers to Die For, 666
Vista View Way, White Flight, California. The man
is disappointed with the customer turnout but
realizes or decides there are enough wide-bodied
people in the store so that his crime will be
shielded. He finds a pair of sneakers he doesn’t
hate in his size. And when he realizes or decides
no one is looking, he ditches the box and hides
the sneakers beneath his plus-size dress that he
stole for this occasion.
As he amscrays out of the store and begins to
cross the street, the man is trampled to death in
the White Flight Running of the Elephants, an
event that had been postponed for thirty years
before its resurrection this very day.
The man dies too soon to realize or decide two
important lessons besides karma is a bitch:
1. Not only does crime not pay, but it costs
dearly.
2. What goes around eventually comes around—sometimes
in the guise of a stampede—even if it takes
thirty years.
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