Damn Evil Rats,
All of Them
by Jan F.
Drewniak and Don Drewniak
This
is the second excerpt from The
Junk Picker, published in
2012.
Setting:
The Berkshires in Massachusetts during the Great
Depression.
The
characters in this episode:
Pinball (Pinball
Johnny) — My father, Jan F. Drewniak, who
was nineteen-years old and was in the process of
rebuilding a large house and making a near one-mile
lane passable from the nearest road. The house
and a large barn were owned by the man for whom
he had worked in a machine shop in Brooklyn for
the two previous years.
Sparks —
The nearest neighbor who was a friendly rival and
sometimes foil.
Mrs. Sparks
— Sparks’ wife.
Smokey —
The nearest neighbor other than Sparks. A man
with multiple skills, but down on his luck due a
break-up with the love of his life. He was
assisting Pinball with the rebuilding of the
house.
Jack —
Pinball’s boss.
Lil —
Jack’s wife.
Wilson —
The owner of the largest country store/hardware
in the area. He was the person to whom most area
residents sought out for the latest gossip.
* * * * *
I dug out a
good-sized load of pea stones and trucked it off
to Sparks’ driveway where I dumped it as
sort of a peace offering. I went into his garage
and there he was brushing himself off and
swearing while looking up into the loft.
“What’s
the matter, Sparks?”
“Matter?
I could swear those damn squirrels up there throw
gobs of dust at me on purpose. Damn evil rats,
all of them.”
“Who are
you kidding about being attacked by evil
squirrels, Sparks?”
“I’m
not, never fails. Damn vicious rats.”
“What’s
up there?”
“Hundreds
of them damn bastards hiding in old furniture,
all covered. Dust settled on all of it, layers of
dust from way back.”
“Then put
up a ceiling. Why the opening?”
“Look,
dummy, that was to get the hay up there. See that
block and tackle? I used it to raise the heavy
furniture up there.”
“Where’s
it from?”
“My folks
and grand folks and Mom’s grand folks. I
knew I should have never put it there. I can’t
clear it now.”
“Can I
see it?”
“Sure you
can, but be careful, I’ve had enough dust
for the day.”
I went up the
stairs and I saw a lone squirrel dash to the rear
of the loft. The hundreds of others must have
been on a lunch break. I was careful raising the
coverings. It didn’t take long to find what
I wanted to see.
Down I went
and Sparks broke into laughter. “Pinball,
look at you, less than five minutes and you are a
sorry looking mess.”
“That bad?”
“Worse
than bad. I never realized it had gotten that
dirty up there. Find what you were looking for?”
“Yes, a
table and four chairs.”
“What for?”
“For the
rooms in the barn I’ll be living in.”
“You’re
crazy. Jack said he’ll buy you all new in
there.”
“Who’s
going to live in there, Jack or me? Now, how much
for the table and chairs?”
“Stubborn
to the end, you are. All right, I’ll see how
big a chicken you are. If you take one piece, you
have to take it all. All or nothing.”
“Come on,
you know how much you have up there.”
“Of
course I do, as it was my poor back that put it
there.”
“Hell,
there must be at least six loads up there.”
“So what?
All or nothing. You think I’m going to have
people like you come in here and take a piece at
a time? Hell, nothing doing. All or nothing.”
“How much?”
“I’ll
make it easy on you as long as you clean out all
of the dust along with whatever else is up there.”
“The
whole loft?”
“The
whole loft, pest.”
I stole a line
from Wilson. “Anyone tell you you’re no
good?”
“Only you
and my wife.”
I told him Mrs.
Sparks was a wise woman and again asked how much.
“One dollar to make legal and all or nothing.”
I gave Sparks
the dollar and told him I hoped he’d choke
on the dust. Up and down the stairs I went. I
left the big pieces as I planned to bring them
down later with the block and tackle. He would
look in at me and break into laughter each time I
carried pieces to the truck. There was no
question that indeed I must have looked like a
sorry mess. I got the first load on the truck and
secured it. Even when I drove away, he was
clapping his hands in glee. I thumbed my nose at
him and he laughed even more.
I was
unloading the truck when Smokey came down from
the house. He slapped his forehead. “Where
the hell did you crawl out from?”
I started to
swear and then told him how Sparks had pulled a
fast one on me.
“He’s
done no such thing, Pinball. For goodness sake,
you don’t even know what you got there, do
you? I’ve seen everything he has. I thought
he had more brains than to get rid of it.”
“What do
you mean?”
“Almost
every piece you got is worth some money, so
handle it all with care and don’t be tough
on it.”
“Then
what I have is good?”
“That’s
what I’m trying to tell you. I thought
Sparks knew that. What’s the reason?”
I told him
about the dust and the squirrels.
“That’s
Sparks for you. His mind gets fixed on one thing
and he can’t think straight about anything
else. Anyway, don’t tell him I told you.
Just act sort of angry at him like you’ve
been doing until you get it all out. Listen,
there’s good money to be made with old
furniture, but you’ve got to be able to tell
the good pieces from the junk.”
“Thanks,
Smokey, knowing this changes everything. I can’t
believe my luck.”
“Not only
that, I have all the information on how to
refinish it and Wilson’s got everything that’s
needed in his store.”
“You ever
do any?” I asked.
“All I
have in the house, every piece of it. Sometime
when you’re up there, I’ll show you.”
“Now I
hope he doesn’t try to change his mind.”
“He won’t
as long as you don’t give it away. He thinks
he’s pulled the wool over your eyes. Let him
think so. You’d never have gotten it if he
thought he wasn’t pulling a fast one on you.”
“Is that
how he works?”
“Yes, and
he’ll spread it all over the minute you
carry out the last piece.”
I went back
for another load and Sparks was still laughing.
When I finished piling it on the truck, I told
Sparks that I was too tired to get any more that
day. That was telling him the truth. This made
him laugh all the more.
“I won’t
be around much of the day tomorrow, Pinball, so
feel free to come and work as long as you want.
Remember, all or nothing.”
As I pulled
away, I realized that without Sparks in the
garage, I might be able to move enough of what he
was working on to allow me to drive the truck
into the garage. Then I would be able to lower
the furniture directly into the truck bed.
Jack and Lil
finally made it the following Saturday and
brought along another couple with them. Before
they came to the property, they stopped to see
Sparks. Jack began by asking Sparks what was new.
Mrs. Sparks began to laugh.
“That’s
your answer,” grumbled Sparks.
“Look at
her laugh.”
“What did
Pinball do this time?” asked Jack.
“When my
folks and grand folks and Mom’s grand folks
passed away, I put all their furniture up in the
loft and then covered it as best I could. As the
years rolled by, dust settled over everything up
there. The damn squirrels used it for a home and
used me as target practice with gobs of dust. Who
comes along last week but your junk picker. I
roped him into taking it all out.”
“Stuff
any good?” asked Jack.
“Don’t
know,” said Sparks, “and I don’t
give a damn, but it’s the things he does to
get you angry. I could have shot him and fed him
to them damn rats.”
“What did
he do?”
“At first
he carries the small pieces down one by one, but
then starts putting them in a burlap bag and
lowering them with the block and tackle.
I’m under
a tractor working while he’s doing this when
I think the building exploded. Damn fool drops
the bag on purpose. I broke a bolt and I got this
goose egg on my forehead. Damn him. I’m now
half dead, but I manage to drag myself out from
under the tractor. Lucky I didn’t bleed to
death.”
Pointing to my
head, I yell up at the fool, ‘What the hell
is this? Look what you done.’”
All the while
that Sparks was telling his story, Mrs. Sparks
could not stop herself from laughing.
“He says,
‘Hell, I’m not to blame. It parted.’”
“Then I
ask him what the hell parted. The damn fool tells
me it was my grandfather’s rope. I tell him
it’s too bad his head wasn’t what
parted and that is what I get for his stinking
dollar. Then the bloody fool has the nerve to
tell me that I can bag a lot of penny candies at
Wilson’s with that dollar and he gives me
that miserable grin of his. I tell him, ‘If
I did, I’d ram them down that damn throat of
yours. Now, be careful what you do. Next time
holler timber if something is coming down.’”
“The damn
fool tells me, ‘Yes, sir, and put some axle
grease on that bump so that it doesn’t start
to rust.’
“Damn
fool.”
By now, Jack,
Lil and the other couple were fighting to hold
back laughter.
“A
stinker, he is. Before that, on Sunday, I don’t
work as I take the wife and kids out. I come back
in the afternoon and the garage door is closed,
but I can hear noise inside. Turns out he had the
door closed while he was working because it was
windy and he has your truck in there. Like a fool,
I go in there wearing my Sunday best and I close
the door behind me. I ask him how he is doing and
he tells me that he is almost done for the day.
He finishes
and trying to be helpful, I tell him to get in
the truck and I’ll open the door for him. He
starts the truck and I open the door and out he
goes. The dust came flying out so hard from the
back of the truck that I couldn’t even see
the damn thing. I staggered into the house half
blinded and the wife and kids near fall down
laughing, that’s how bad I looked.”
“Did
Pinball know what happened to you?” asked
Jack.
“Don’t
know for sure if he did or not, but if I know him,
he must have. Dammit, but I should have known
better and kept away from him. It don’t stop
there. He keeps coming back during the week.
Finally, he’s got all the furniture out, so
I figure it’s safe and like a nut I go into
the garage to wash out a part in kerosene. ‘Timber,’
the fool hollers. I drop what I was doing and
slam my two hands around my head, but I hear
nothing. I look up as he throws a handful of
feathers out of a pillow.”
At this point,
everyone in the kitchen except for Sparks was
doubled over in laughter.
“So help
me,” said Sparks, “I never swore like I
did then.”
“What did
he say?” asked Jack.
“The
stinker sits down at the edge of the loft and
says, ’Sparks, your hands couldn’t even
cover those ears of yours. If they were another
half-inch bigger, you could fly.’ Damn
stinker. All for a lousy dollar.”
* * * * *
Here
is the link to the first episode:
http://www.short-humour.org.uk/11writersshowcase/thegreatw.htm
During
June 2016, The Junk Picker
ranked number one in Kindle Historical
Biographies for three consecutive days.
|
