Here a Laugh,
There a Laugh
by Don Drewniak
Why did the U.S.
senator driving to an airport turn around and go
home? (Answer at the end of this messterpiece).
* * * * *
Both Bob Hope
and George Burns lived to be 100. However, Hope's
wife, Dolores, had the last laugh. She lived to
be 102.
* * * * *
I haven’t
had a landline phone in well over a decade. Every
now and then I find myself thinking about those
good old days and the laughs that often
accompanied spam calls. Specifically, those that
started out as “robo” calls in which I
was asked to “Press one to speak with…”
The fun then
began as I would press one and use my own well-rehearsed
robo voice, “To…continue…enter…your…two-digit…IQ.”
Quite often I
was greeted with a volley of expletives to which
I replied “Incorrect…answer…to…continue…enter…your…two-digit…IQ.”
That usually resulted in a second volley of
expletives featuring the f-word and then a
disconnect.
The best
response?
“To…continue…enter…your…two-digit…IQ.”
“It’s
102.”
* * * * *
While on the
subject of IQs, the American Society for the
Study of Intelligence has devised a one-question
test to determine whether or not you are a genius.
You are a
genius if you cannot answer the
following question: Name one currently active
athlete in the NFL (National Football League).
Please note
that protests were received from over two
thousand Canadians stating that the question
should be about hockey, not U.S. football. The
ASSI informed them that no one with a high IQ
gives a puck about hockey.
* * * * *
Famous quotes
by Mae West, W.C. Fields, George Burns and
Groucho Marx:
Mae
West:
- - I feel like a million tonight, but one at a
time.
- - When women go wrong, men go right after them.
- - A hard man is good to find.
- - Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you
just happy to see me?
- - Between two evils, I always pick the one I
never tried before.
W. C.
Fields:
- - I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol
and wild women. The other half I wasted.
- - You can fool some of the people some of the
time – and that's enough to make a decent
living.
- - Money will not buy happiness, but it will let
you be unhappy in nice places.
- - Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once.
Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to
thank her.
- - Never try to impress a woman, because if you
do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for
the rest of your life.
George
Burns:
- - People ask me what I'd most appreciate
getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell
them, a paternity suit.
- - First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Next you forget to pull your zipper up and
finally, you forget to pull it down.
- - It's hard for me to get used to these
changing times. I can remember when the air was
clean and sex was dirty.
- - Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice after
shave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant.
And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes,
too.
- - Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a
good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how
much happiness you can handle.
Groucho
Marx:
- - I refuse to join any club that would have me
as a member.
- - I am not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who
are.
- - The secret of life is honesty and fair
dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
- - Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may
they never meet.
- - I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll
be glad to make an exception.
* *
* * *
Newspaper
Headlines That Escaped Proofreading
Total lunar
eclipse will be broadcast live on Northwoods
Public Radio
Miracle cure kills fifth patient
Starvation can lead to health hazards
Police arrest everyone on February 22nd . . .
Hospitals resort to hiring doctors
Parents keep kids home to protest school closure
Meeting to open meetings is closed
Barbershop singers bring joy to school for the
deaf
Puerto Rican named mistress of the universe
Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs
Girls' schools still offering 'something special'
– head
Illiteracy an obstable, study finds
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off
significantly after age 25
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
Homicide victims rarely talk to police
17 remain dead in morgue shooting spree
Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy
Chances . . .
Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound
on his head
Missippi's literacy program shows improvement
* * * * *
Maria
Had Just Gotten Married
Maria had just
gotten married and being a traditional Italian,
she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night,
staying at her mother’s house, she was
nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t
worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs
and he’ll take care of you.”
So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt
and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs
to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s
got a big hairy chest.”
“Don’t
worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all
good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll
take good care of you.”
So, up she
went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony
took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again,
Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama,
Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got
hairy legs!”
“Don’t
worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s
a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good
care of you.”
So up she went
again. When she got up there, Tony took off his
socks and on his left foot he was missing all
five of his toes. When Maria saw this, she ran
downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a
foot and a half!”
“Stay
here and stir the pasta,” says the mother.
“this is a job for Mama.”
* * * * *
The answer to
“Why did the U.S. senator driving to the
airport turn around and go home?”
He saw a sign
that read, “Airport Left.”
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