Nakangiakok
Vapors
by Mike Denny
After a winter
celebration at the Nakangiakok, Alaska community
center, every one of the two hundred thirty-three
adults who ate Mrs. Chiklaikanikoff’s
whalebone marrow stew came down with a
hazardous flatulent illness that had been
unresponsive to medical treatment. Mr.
Kolokink, a respected old man, remembered a
story told to him by his father in which the
village had been afflicted by a similar illness.
During an odiferous council meeting, Mr. Kolokink
recalled the cure and humbly offered it to the
suffering community. As the nearest flatologist
was far away in Anchorage and the village was
snowed in until May, the local Community
Health Aide, Ms. Nikolikoffsky, devised a
clinical trial to test the ancient treatment.
Because this was a therapeutic trial involving a
curative intervention, an unfortunate pack of
sled dogs was given the stew and, two days later,
the remedy was administered to test its safety
and efficacy in mammals. After a three-day
observation period, the trial began.
A randomly selected group of afflicted volunteers
would be divided into intervention and control
groups. The desired outcome or goal of the trial:
elimination of the illness, would be evaluated in
each group. Even though the antidote was as foul
smelling as the flatus itself, most of the
afflicted villagers had no hesitation in
volunteering for the trial.
Twenty-four volunteers were chosen. A blind study
was set up in which half of the test subjects
would be given the remedy and the other half
would be given the inert placebo. Ms.
Nikolikoffsky then randomly assigned her study
candidates into intervention and control groups
by a simple flip of the coin. Informed consent
was eagerly given by all participants and the
doses were administered.
Each participant was medically monitored for
toxicity and effect and no flatulators dropped
out of the study. While the entire village held
its breath, three times daily doses of the remedy
were given until the intervention group
demonstrated marked decrease in flatulence (based
upon subjective individual report and objective
community observation). Within nine days, the
flatulent condition was eliminated in the
intervention group.
Relieved, the community demanded immediate
suspension of the trial and called for all
afflicted to receive the cure. Ms. Nikolikoffsky
would very much have preferred to continue
clinical trials exploring alternative doses and
regimens of the remedy but, fearing a public
stink, decided to administer it to all sufferers
immediately. Within three weeks, the condition
was eliminated in the village. All but four of
the afflicted were cured, but they were said to
be notorious habitual flatulators anyway.
It could be violations of multiple codes of
ethics to offer the subjects payment for their
participation in human research. However, a
council hearing determined the election of Mr.
Kolokink’s grandson as whaling captain for
the next hunt was not an ethical abuse. In
addition, the hapless sled dogs were given extra
seal fat every week through the next spring. It
should also be noted that Ms. Nikolikoffsky was
honored at a summer celebration, where no one ate
Mrs. Chiklaikanikoff’s whalebone marrow stew.
This
story was first given to the writer's 90-year-old
father, John Denny, for his own self-published
book, “Forest with City Lights” (2020),
a collection of essays and short stories,
illustrated with his spectacular watercolor and
ink paintings, He said Mike could use it again.
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