Taking The
Piscatorial
by Ian Curtress
I have been a
great one for hobbies – could start them and
leave them at Will.
Will is a good
friend of mine who takes over my hobbies after I’ve
done the hard bit, like reading the instructions
or getting things out from the stupid packaging.
Anyway, I
thought I’d try keeping fish, so visited the
local fish shop. They gave it a fancy name, but
they had fish stuff.
This fellow
came to help me, a nice young man, but we got off
on the wrong foot. Didn’t have a sense of
humour – all I said was, “I expect you’re
from Finland.”
He swallowed
his pride, didn’t want to miss a sale,
and he asked, "Starting from scratch?"
I suppressed
the itch joke and said, “Yes.”
“You’ll
need a tank.”
Oh dear!
Choked back another joke about a khaki uniform as
well.
He tried again.
“An aqueduct.”
Now, I know my
hearing is temperamental, waxes and wanes, but
thought that was what he said. It appears it was
aquarium!
We were not
doing well when he asked, “What volume?”
This time I
weakened and said, "Not too loud, as I don’t
wish to annoy the neighbours."
Credit where
credit’s due. He did struggle a smile at my rejoinder
and said, "Litres. I would suggest a hundred
as a minimum."
I offered,
"How do I stop it splashing around in the
boot on the way home?"
This time he
gave as good as he got. "Get your wife to
bake you a large sponge."
Showed my
admiration.
"You’ll
need either substrate or sand for the aquarium
bottom."
Substrate,
what’s that? So said, "Sand."
"I’d
recommend substrate."
I knew he’d
say that.
Saw my
discomfort and condescendingly said, "A
sort of gravel.”
They give
gravel a fancy name to charge more.
“Then a
filter is required to keep the water pure.”
I thought: If
the water is pure enough for me, should be ok for
fish. Didn’t say.
"There
are several plants you can use...”
"Hold it
there. It’s fish I want, not a market garden!"
"You will
require plants to help with oxygenation."
I said, "This
is getting out of hand. All I wanted were a few
fish in a container, alright aquarium."
Thought: Well, I’ve come this far...So
now the fish.
"Yours
being a cold water aquarium,” (don’t
ask) “I suggest White Cloud."
Now I might
look it, but I’m not gullible. Was this for
the fish to hide behind?
"It’s
a type of fish, Sir." Tightening of lips.
"And at least one catfish. No, Sir, they don’t
scratch. A couple of snails are a good idea."
"How much?!
I’ll use one from my garden."
"Now,
half the water will need changing every 14 days,
and we have all the required equipment."
An hour and a
half had passed, and I saw him bringing across
books on fish-keeping for beginners.
I called out,
“Don’t bother; I’ll just take the
chips!”
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