Thou shalt not
…shucks
by Albert Russo
How would they be able to
live without being a lil jealous, when a woman
would jerk her gold bangles under the nose of the
poor wife of a shepherd who could only afford a
straw bracelet she had braided herself? That is
when Goddess challenged Her people by dividing
them into social classes, creating the gap
between poor and rich folk. What a present!
“Hey, miss goddess - I’m
addressing you again and am taking away the
capital G, coz I think that you are the one who
started to instil hate in the heart of the
population. You started with Abel and Cain and
chose Noah and his family over all the rest, to
be saved from the deluge. What kinda shenanigans
is that? That’s darn nasty and immoral, and
you had the nerve to impose the ten commandments
to these weary Israelites who were skin and bones
after all the years of trekking through the
desert, with lips and toes full of blisters, many
of them becoming toothless for lack of vitamins.
So very bitchy of you! And by the way, this is
what I think of some of your commandments.
My uncle who sometimes
insists that we rack our brains in tandem (which
has nothing to do with chicken tandoori)
had me reread the Ten Commandments. They’re
not as dumb as when the priest recites them
during mass. I listen to him with only a quarter
of an ear open, while my jaws ache on account
that I can’t stop yawning.
It bugs me to accompany my
family to church, even if it’s not very
often (thank the devil for that!), just because
they feel guilty and need to wash their sins off
their prurient skin. Not me, coz I’m too
young to be wallowing in their turditudes.
One of my class admirers,
Charlotte de Jerq who’s a precious hokus
pokus sinner (‘precocious’ is for
the dinosaurs) - she always seems to know what
her future, whether near or not, will be - claims
that no one escapes lecher-delirious sex,
on account that sooner or later you feel it
sizzling down there.
We shall have to remember
to always drive in an air-conditioned car -
nowadays you can buy them at no extra cost,
thanks to the Maimland Chinese
automakers (them who eat mashed tiger balls as afrodizzy-acts).
I’ve submitted to my
uncle a revised version of the Bible’s
catalogs (meaning the Ten Commandments, you ninny!).
Some of my corrections made him frown, but since
he’s the one who suggested that we work in
tandem, he’ll just have to teddy bear the
consequences, is what I say.
To ‘Thou shalt honor
your father and your mother’, I have added,
“not if your dad ran away, leaving you and
your mom on the dole, without a single farting (that’s
how they used to call pennies in the times of
Charlie Dickens)”, coz that would be too
easy.
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