Tis Timeth For
Family Feudalism
by Maury Levine
An audience of
townspeople has gathered around a raised platform
at the public square. A band of Troubadour
musicians begins to play an upbeat Dorian scale
using flutes, dulcimers, recorders, and lutes. A
familiar man walks onto the platform between two
groups of people. The audience politely applauds.
STEPHEN: Be thee welcometh to our showth - Family
Feudalism. I am thy host, Stephen Harvey. We
shall undergo a grand entertainment this morrow.
Introducing our competitor families: From the
city of Florence, bid a fair welcometh to the
Vassal family. In addition, from the city of
Naples, bid an equivalent welcometh to the Fief
family. Presently, draweth to me Vicar Vassal and
Landgrave Fief.
The band of Troubadour musicians plays an upbeat
Dorian scale using flutes, dulcimers, recorders,
and lutes. The audience of townspeople politely
applauds. Vicar and Landgrave approach the
lecturn. Each contestant picks up a tambourine.
STEPHEN: Our first survey is as follows: What,
perchance, is a mad errand you wouldst giveth to
a knave?
Vicar and Landgrave strike their tambourines.
STEPHEN: Vicar, your striketh is first. What
sayest thee?
VICAR: To place a dress upon my horse.
STEPHEN: To place a dress upon his horse.
The flute player opens a curtain to reveal a
wooden board containing four parchment scrolls.
He removes the second parchment scroll, which
reveals another parchment scroll saying "Placeth
Clothing Upon An Animal - Five Townspeople."
STEPHEN: Landgrave, can thee beat yon answer?
LANDGRAVE: Stephen, mine own answer wouldst be to
have the knave consume horse excrement.
STEPHEN: I am lapsed! Thy answer causes me to
become wall-eyed in bewilderment! Showeth me
eating vulgar excrement from a horse!
The flute player removes the first parchment
scroll which reveals another parchment scroll
saying "Consume Animal Excrement - Seven
Townspeople." The Fief family claps wildly.
STEPHEN: Fief family, shall ye playeth or shall
ye passeth?
LANDGRAVE: We shall playeth, Stephen!
Stephen walks over to the Fief family.
STEPHEN: Landgrave, before you introduceth me to
thy distinguished family, perchance what is thy
occupation?
LANDGRAVE: Stephen, I am a farmer. In mine own
three field rotation, I yield crops of wheat and
broad beans, with the third field left fallow, of
course.
STEPHEN: Fallow, eh? With your affinity for horse
excrement, I was certain thy third field didst
yield crops of feces-producing horses sprouting
from the fertile topsoil!
The audience of townspeople laugh and applaud.
STEPHEN: Good Landgrave, I fancy thou introduceth
me to thy honest family.
LANDGRAVE: Most certainly. Stephen, this lovely
lass is my own fair jointress Gwyndolyn. And this
strapping lad is my own eldest son Fulchard.
STEPHEN: Good Gwyndolyn, how art thou on this
fine morrow?
GWYNDOLYN: Stephen, I am most grand! I have
waited many a moon to meet thee! Might I be so
forward as to toucheth thy shining, bald, and
majestic head?
STEPHEN: I am lapsed! If thy noble husband doesn't
objecteth to thy forward gesture, then I won't
objecteth. What doth yee sayeth, Landgrave?
LANDGRAVE: I objecteth not.
Gwyndolyn rubs Stephen's head as she smiles and
giggles.
STEPHEN: Tis true! Women loveth the shineth!
The audience of townspeople laugh and applaud.
STEPHEN: Gwyndolyn, telleth me what, perchance,
is a mad errand you wouldst giveth to a knave?
GWYNDOLYN: To sharpen mine own knifes.
STEPHEN: To sharpen knifes.
The flute player holds up two pieces of wood to
form an X as the recorder player makes a staccato
sour note.
LANDGRAVE: Tis fine. Twas a valorous answer.
STEPHEN: Fulchard, thou art the eldest son,
correct? Bid me about thyself.
FULCHARD: Sir Stephen, I currently attendeth
university where I am studying to beest either a
minstrel or a rat-catcher.
STEPHEN: Tis most humorous. At which hour I did
start out many moons ago in the entertainment
industry, I was a singing minstrel in some very
lackluster entertainment establishments. Some of
those establishments were so lackluster, t'were
more rats presenth than audience members. Perhaps
if thee playeth thy cards right, thee can beest
both a minstrel and a rat-catcher!
The audience of townspeople laugh and applaud.
STEPHEN: Tell me, Fulchard - what, perchance, is
a mad errand you wouldst giveth to a knave?
FULCHARD: To runneth into a merchant's
establishment and spineth around in circles.
STEPHEN: Runneth to a merchant and spineth around
like a top.
The flute player removes the third parchment
scroll, which reveals another parchment scroll
saying "Behaveth Erratically in Public -
Three Townspeople." The Fief family claps
wildly.
STEPHEN: Tis only one answer left. If you
answerth correctly, thee cleareth the board.
Backeth to thee, Landgrave. What, perchance, is a
mad errand you wouldst giveth to a knave?
LANDGRAVE: Well, Stephen, I wouldst have the
knave urinate upon my neighbor's vegetable garden.
STEPHEN: I am lapsed! Why doth thee speaketh of
excrement and urination so often? Didst someone
breakest thy chamber pot or easement chair? And
at which hour thee traveled to the public latrene,
didst thee find it broken?
The audience of townspeople laugh and applaud.
STEPHEN: Landgrave, mine own friend, thou art the
king of excrement and urination! Showeth me
urinating on mine own poor neighbor's vegetable
garden!
The flute player removes the fourth parchment
scroll, which reveals another parchment scroll
saying "Urination Within a Garden - One
Townsperson." The Fief family claps wildly.
STEPHEN: The Fief family hast cleared the board.
Presently, draweth to me Elwisia Vassal and
Gwyndolyn Fief.
The band of Troubadour musicians plays an upbeat
Dorian scale using flutes, dulcimers, recorders,
and lutes. The audience of townspeople politely
applauds. Elwisia and Gwyndolyn approach the
lecturn. Each contestant picks up a tambourine.
STEPHEN: Our second survey is as follows: What,
perchance, is the least popular pie to purchaseth
from the baker?
Elwisia and Gwyndolyn strike their tambourines.
STEPHEN: Elwisia, your striketh is first. What
sayest thee?
ELWISIA: Raspberry pie.
STEPHEN: Showeth me raspberry pie!
The flute player opens a second curtain to reveal
a wooden board containing three parchment scrolls.
He then holds up two pieces of wood to form an X
as the recorder player makes a staccato sour note.
STEPHEN: Twas a valorous answer. I loveth the
raspberry pie! I can consume it like a foolish
jester! Raspberry pie maketh me want to singeth a
grand song!
The audience of townspeople laugh and applaud.
STEPHEN: Gwyndolyn, what sayest thee? What,
perchance, is the least popular pie to purchaseth
from the baker?
GWYNDOLYN: Stephen, I would sayest fig pie.
STEPHEN: Showest me fig pie!
The flute player removes the third parchment
scroll which reveals another parchment scroll
saying "Fig Pie - Two Townspeople." The
Fief family claps wildly.
STEPHEN: Vassal family, shall ye playeth or shall
ye passeth?
GWYNDOLYN: We shall playeth, Stephen!
STEPHEN: Most glorious! Fulchard, what, perchance,
is the least popular pie to purchaseth from the
baker?
FULCHARD: I would have to sayest beans pie.
STEPHEN: Beans pie?
FULCHARD: Yes. Beans pie.
STEPHEN: Fulchard, my valorous friend, I hath
grown up on the impoverished side of the village.
I hath consumed my shareth of dishes containing
beans within, when there shouldn't have been
beans within. I have consumed my shareth of
horrid pies. Never in mine owneth life, however,
hath I consumed anything called beans pie. What,
perchance, is beans pie?
FULCHARD: A pie containing beans.
STEPHEN: What kind of beans?
FULCHARD: I knowth not. Simply beans.
STEPHEN: Showeth me a pie containing beans so
mysterious, we knoweth not what the helleth kind
they art!
The flute player removes the second parchment
scroll which reveals another parchment scroll
saying "Beans Pie - Three Townspeople."
The Fief family claps wildly.
STEPHEN: Fief family - hereth the situation. Thee
have one answer left in the survey. If thee
answer correctly, thy family shall be victorious.
Landgrave, telleth me what, perchance, is the
least popular pie to purchaseth from the baker?
LANDGRAVE: Horse excrement pie.
STEPHEN: I am lapsed! Thy answer causes me to
become wall-eyed in bewilderment again! Thy
fixation on feces and excrement boarders on the
absurd! Showeth me some of that stinky and
delicious horse excrement pie!
The flute player removes the first parchment
scroll which reveals another parchment scroll
saying "Horse Excrement Pie - Eighteen
Townspeople." The Fief family claps wildly.
STEPHEN: The Fief family hath wonneth today's
contest. Therefore, they shall hath an
opportunity to undertake Swift Shillings. Here's
how we playeth: We hath taken a bag of several
dozen gold and silver shillings and placed it in
a burlap sack attached to yon greased pig. If the
Fief family can secureth the bag in thirty
seconds, they keepeth thy shillings. Fief family
- preparest for the chase.
Stephen and the Fief family step off of the
raised platform and gather next to a cage
containing a greased pig a with sack tied to it's
back. The audience of townspeople murmur in
anticipation.
STEPHEN: We shall commence Swift Shillings. On
thy marks. Get seteth. Beginneth!
Stephen opens a door on the cage and the pig runs
down a busy street. The Fief family shout
instructions at one another, then pursue the
shinning, squealing pig. Townspeople on the
street shriek and point at the approaching melee.
STEPHEN: Tis truly a grand spectacle! Gwyndolyn
hadeth a chance at subduing the pig, but she
trippeth on her son Fulchard. Thee sprawl in the
street was spectacular, indeed! The pig runeth
towards the blacksmith's establishment. Landgrave
pursuiteth close behind! There are four noble
horses outside the establishment. The pig runeth
underneath the legs of the horses. Landgrave
approacheth, but he slippeth on something. I am
lapsed! Landgrave hath slippeth on the biggest
pile of horse excrement I have ever seen! Tis
fortunate that Landgrave likes excrement so! The
time runeth out! Twas a noble pursuit, indeed.
Gwyndolyn and Fulchard, both injured, help their
excrement-covered father to his feet. They all
smile and embrace. The band of Troubadour
musicians plays an upbeat Dorian scale using
flutes, dulcimers, recorders, and lutes. The
audience of townspeople politely applauds.
STEPHEN: For our next grand entertainment, Robert
Barker shall host Thy Price Is Righteous. Doeth
not leaveth thy location.
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