Trekking to the
Promised Land
by Albert Russo
Abram and his clan weren’t
used to cover such distances on foot, continually
changing places, while they longed for the straw
beds that stank of donkey piss in their huts back
at home.
He didn’t dare say
“What bullshit is this, we’re shlepping
and shlepping and, not only there’s no land
in sight, but my people are starting to believe
that I lied to them, and some of them are
becoming rebellious. Washmore, we have
less and less to eat and water is very scarce.
“Goddessss … Goshhhhess ..
what a mess”, the sounds escaped his lips
like he was exhaling and out of breath, so that
the Create-stress would take pity and
forgive him, that’s what he thought, coz
after all, She didn’t keep Her promise.
So, without asking for Her
permission, he took it upon himself to lead his
followers to the land of Egypt, where there was
plenty of food and drink. But there was one thing
Abram feared, his wife was dangerously pretty,
and he was sure Pharaoh would demand that she
join his harem. He then said to Sarai: “We
will tell him that you are my sister.”
Low and bumble bees,
His Devine-ness the King of Pyramids, of
golden death masks and ugly Mummies, wanted to
marry Sarai on the spot. In compensation he gave
Abram a lot of dough, both in food, goats and
money.
Of course, the false
brother and sister felt quite uneasy, even if
Pharaoh showed himself generous with both of them.
Then a miracle occurred - you’re supposed to
believe that whatever happens, good or bad, is
decided from on high. And suddenly the plague
fell upon the land, making every Egyptian as sick
as hell, for they kept vomiting from both
orifices - yeah, ain’t that word so much
more softesticle than ‘openings’
-, their mouths and their rear ends, filling the
air with the foulest smell you could imagine, and
if that wasn’t enough the sky was filled
with a zillion critters, blocking the sun.
Goddess warned Abram that
next time he decided to act without Her
authorization She would order the wild beasts to
have the banquet of their life, by offering them
Her Chosen People.
To prove that he would
always consult and obey Her, the Sinner threw
himself to the ground and filled his mouth with
sand, forcing himself to swallow it.
“Get up and stop this
ridiculous behavior.” She told him, “go
to the river and wash your mouth, in the meantime
I’ll wash your brain - that was the first
brainwashing a man was subjected to.”
And so it was that Abram,
his family, his tribe and his flocks of sheep
made their way to the Promised Land, as did Lot,
his nephew, with his family and his rich
belongings.
But there was a big problem,
on account that the warriors had heard that Lot
wanted first choice in the share of the land they
were both going to own.
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