Never Give Your
Grandma an AI Coffee Pot
by Trevor Iles
I said to my
grandma, "You can talk to an AI coffee pot
instead of wasting time pushing buttons."
Grandma told me that her button-pushing finger
was just fine. I told her she was missing the
point, as everything in the future would be AI
and voice enabled. Grandma said, “Make it
sound like Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins.”
Apparently, her voice was not available, so she
had to settle for the local weather lady from
Channel 5.
I said, "Go
ahead. Talk to the coffee pot. You'll be amazed
at what it can do."
So, she said,
"Black coffee, no sugar." Nothing
happened. The coffee pot stayed silent. I
said, "It was expecting you to say macchiato
or espresso." This was an upscale model and
had not been trained on dumbed-down coffee words.
"Never
mind the coffee pot for now,” I said. “I
also have an AI toaster you can try." You
can control the type of toast you want. You can
ask for burnt, slightly burnt, or dark and crispy.
Grandma tried it and told me it didn't work. Her
old toaster gave her exactly what she wanted when
she set it to 2½. I told her that the AI toaster
app didn't do halves. I said, "You might be
one of those people who are resistant to
innovation." She said, "You mean like
your toaster?"
I left and
came back later with a new AI coffee pot that had
buttons, but I also integrated it with a
smartphone video security system.
I told her
that the smartphone security system could tell
her if anyone was at the front door, or back
patio. She turned it on, and the system showed a
black bear prowling around outside. I told her
not to worry; this was just a normal AI
hallucination. She could now be time-efficient
and make coffee and check the house
perimeter, all at the same time.
She said,
"What do I need to be time-efficient for? I
am retired and can do whatever I like, whenever I
like, and I already tape my TV shows every day.”
I had no answer to that.
I then asked
her if she needed an AI fridge. She told me that
her fridge was very happy as it was, because she
got most of her groceries from the local Farmer’s
Market. It was not likely to connect to AI
anytime soon. I said if this farmer’s market
idea caught on, it might slow the adoption of AI
dramatically and could develop into a national
emergency.
I must have
seemed a little worried, as Grandma gave me some
of her homemade chocolate chip cookies. I said,
"Never mind, Grandma. I’ll be back.
Next time will be the charm, you’ll see."
She smiled and said, "You bet. See you next
time," and she patted her coffee pot and
said, "Good coffee pot," and pushed the
button for black coffee with no sugar.
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