900 Sq.Ft.
Divided by 2
by Mel Bosworth
She left but I
stayed, thinking she might return. I sat in a
swivel chair and grew a beard. I smoked over one
hundred cartons of cigarettes. I wore out a
window pane by staring through it too long. By
the time it occurred to me that she wasn't coming
back, I was in desperate need of a shower and my
teeth were yellow.
Instead of
quitting smoking, I decided to start drinking too,
my rationale being that everything deserved a
partner.
One day I put
a piece of paper on a desk and thought up an
advertisement for myself. It went like this:
Lonely white
male in search of companion.
Females preferred.
Housebroken preferred, but not required.
Must enjoy smoking and drinking.
If you don't enjoy smoking and drinking, it is
required that you enjoy mine.
Please be attractive.
Fetishes encouraged, particularly fetishes
involving disheveled men.
Lastly, a good heart is a must, although, having
a pulse will do.
All responses will be answered.
Two weeks
passed with no hits. I considered writing
another ad, leaving out the part about the
drinking. Drunks are usually burdened with
the stigma of being abusive, which I wasn't. The
least I could do was put in a line that clarified
this. And so I did.
Six months
later, Paul and I are doing well. He doesn't eat
much and he always comes with his own supply of
booze and cigarettes. The only downside is
that my closet now smells like an outhouse.
I should've
changed the ad to read "Housebroken required,"
but I've been letting it slide. It's been
nice having the company.
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