Famous Magazines
Make Their Presendential Endorsements
by Roger Freed
Rolling Stone-
“Jerry Garcia Man! He’d make the
bitchiness President ever! Wait, what do you mean
he’s dead?”
Playboy-
“Bill Clinton! We’d be able to make a
lot of copy if he were back in the saddle!”
Cosmopolitan-
“Sarah Palin! What a hot cover we’d
have if she were elected! And the sexy articles
we could write.”
Sports
Illustrated- “Bring Teddy Roosevelt back
from the dead. He’s the only real man in the
President’s seat since Andrew Jackson!”
Consumer’s
Reports- “We’ve said Ralph Nader the
last two elections and we’ll say it again
this one even though he isn’t running!”
The
Conservative- “We still want Gingrich!
We’re just stuck with the Mormon guy. Of
course, he is better any day than the black guy.”
MAD Magazine-
“We’re in for Romney. Obama is too
difficult to make fun of. Romney is a walking
target.”
Better Homes
and Gardens- “Obama! Not that we want him,
but his wife has just the touch that our readers
like. No Negroes normally live in the
neighborhoods we write about.”
TV Guide-
“Definitely, unquestionably, firmly Romney.
He’s owned by FOX News and they are our
biggest advertiser.”
High Times-
“What election?”
Field and
Stream- “We sell hunting which means selling
guns which means the NRA which means the
Republicans which means Romney whether we like
him or not.”
Philosophy
Today- “In the ultimate realm of things and
in the true height and breadth of the mammoth
universe in which we live does it matter who we
endorse?”
Maxim-
“Jessica Alba! Who cares if she knows
nothing about politics? She's hot!”
National
Geographic- “Since the only ethnic about
Romney is his Mormonism we feel obliged to back
Obama. In our history if we had only ever done
articles on boring Anglo-Saxon businessmen we
would have gone out of print long ago.”
US Magazine-
“We don't care who wins. We'll be able to
come up with crap about either one of them.”
Esquire-
“Oh, PLEASE!! Must you ask? We only write
about cool people. Do you think Romney would fit
that bill?”
Reader's
Digest- “Romney. It would be a lot less work
condensing what he has to say.”
The New Yorker-
“Only the urbane, the sophisticated and the
intellectual for us. Obama is our man.”
Ebony-
“Now just who do you think? Romney is so
white bread and slick he would just slide right
off the page if we wrote about him.”
Vogue-
“Since our magazine is entirely based on
looks it is a difficult decision. Both men are
good looking and good dressers. Obama would be
favored on being a cooler dresser, but would lose
points because his ears stick out.”
Short Humour-
“Can we get George W. back? We always had an
endless source of material with him around!”
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