Timber!!!
byThomas Sullivan
Man, oh man
was my wife teed off. There we were, standing in
the kitchen trying to iron out our differences,
but the lingering issue had finally driven a
wedge between us. These spats were par for the
course, usually arising after a day or two of
uncomfortable silence and furtive glances.
Normally, I could sand away her suspicions. It
was rough and took balls, but I could pull it off.
But not today.
“You
goddamn putz!” my wife screams. She reaches
down and grabs the caddy off the table. That
stupid little tea-holder was the makeup gift I
bought after the last close call. It cost me a
lot of green. I dodge sideways as the box sails
past my head.
“So
what’s next, buddy,” she barks,
“You gonna lay me down in the tall grass and
let me do my stuuff ? Not a chance, buster.”
She glares at me and then spits her gum onto the
counter.
I put my palms
up in front of my chest pleadingly and say,
“There’s got to be a fair way to settle
this.” But I’m not much of an actor and
my words don’t come across very convincingly.
But then again I don’t think even Bogey
could pull this one off.
“Get out!”
she screams, pointing toward the door.
I hesitate for
a moment, planning my next move.
“Just do
it!” she roars, spittle flying off her lips.
When I start
to say something she lunges at me like a tiger.
Her claws hook into my face. I slice a hand
through the air, dislodging her hands. I stagger
back against the wall and touch my cheeks.
There’s a hole in one.
I’m
quickly losing my grip on the situation and this
hell-house is starting to feel like a trap. Sweat
starts pouring down my face and the room starts
spinning. I race across the kitchen, blast
through the door, and bolt for my SUV. I yank
open the door, look down at the seat, and recoil in
horror. Someone has placed a bloody dog leg on
the seat, mafia style. I scream, grab the limb,
and pitch it across the driveway into the yard.
It lands next to the chaise lounge and the handy
cap I always wear to protect my face when
sunbathing naked. Then I jump behind the wheel
and squeal down the driveway.
I swing onto
the street and drive, baby, drive. I’m
breathing hard and can feel the blood course
through my body. But when I eventually start to
relax, all I feel is small. Very small, like a
pebble on a beach.
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