Behind The
Scenes At The Winter Olympics
by Roger Freed
SCENE:
Vancouver General Hospital
TIME: The 2010 Winter Olympic Games
The emergency telephone rings.
Nurse:
Vancouver General.
Voice on phone:
Ambulance 253 here! We're bringing in a code 5.
Nurse: What?
Yet another! Who is it this time?
Ambulance: It's
members of the Peruvian Bobsled team. They've
apparently overdosed on the Officially Sponsored
Olympic soft drink.
Nurse: I don't
believe it! That's the fourth case today and it
isn't even noon!
Doctor: Who
were the other three?
Nurse: At 5 AM
the Lithuanian Ice Square Dancing team called in
all claiming stomach cramps from eating
Officially Sponsored Olympic candy bars. Then at
8:15 four members of the Angolan Muskox Riding
team were admitted with severe skin rashes from
wearing Officially Sponsored Olympic jock straps.
At 10:00 they brought in a couple from the
Ukrainian Toboggan team complaining of foot pains
from wearing Officially Sponsored Olympic snow
boots.
Doctor: This
is like a plague!
Telephone
rings.
Nurse:
Vancouver General. Yes? Oh, Heavens!
Doctor: What
is it?
Nurse: The
entire Outer Mongolian Yak Racing team is dead?
Doctor: What
happened?
Nurse: Their
coach put them all on a strict diet of nothing
but Officially Sponsored foods and their
intestines seized up!
Doctor: That
does it! Get me the head of the Olympic Committee!
Nurse: (Dials
telephone.) Here he is.
Doctor: Hello,
this is Doctor Gunther from Vancouver General. We
are getting swamped here with people getting sick
from all these so-called "Official Olympic"
things. It's bad enough we're having all the
normal accidents that occur at the Olympics, but
now we are getting all this weird stuff too.
Official: I
don't like it anymore than you do! These big
companies practically own the Olympics now. This
garbage they are pushing is making headaches for
us too. The runners keep tripping up because of
all the "Official" chewing gum on the
track. The Arab teams are up in arms because the
only "Official" meat is bacon. The
Japanese are humiliated because the "Official"
line of sports clothing is from an American firm
and they can only fit into the children's sizes.
There are even pushers hanging around the front
gates selling what they claim to be the "Official
Olympic' drugs!
Doctor: Good
heavens! Is there no answer?
Official:
Listen, there is something you can do. We can
grant you two million dollars in subsidy money if
you let up, put up signs saying that your
hospital is the Official Olympic Hospital...
Doctor: NO!
THIS IS NOT A WALMART!!! Next thing you know you
will want to put advertising in the ambulances!
Official: Now
there is an idea!
Doctor: (Angrily
hangs up) Incredible!
Nurse: Another
strange part of it is that one of the major
sponsors of the games is the world's largest soft
drink companies whose office for all Canada is
here in Vancouver. They have so much control of
the market that no one dares even to whisper the
name of one their competitors.
Doctor: This
certainly isn't anything to make one feel sprite
about!
Nurse: DON'T
SAY THAT EITHER!
Doctor: OK, OK!
Tell me, is Dr. Pepper in today?
Nurse:
PLEEEAASSEE!!!
Doctor: This
is really a lot of bull!
Nurse: That
you can say as long as you don't say "Red"
before it!
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