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Brian-Brian
by Eric Miller

Jim Jensen watched his 14 year old daughter play in a round-robin drill at the tennis club. It was very obvious that her hormones zoned in on one very specific guy across the net from her. Each time they were paired, the level of her game rose to near professional levels. The hormonal levels of her male opponent responded to the challenge by opening his eyes wide with wonder and dropping his jaw to the floor with lustful infatuation. Storm clouds passed through Jim’s mind, and on the way home he asked Hilary about "Jaw Dropper."

“Who?,” she asked, in the most blasť manner she could muster.

"You know, the heavy hitter drooling out of both sides of his mouth who kept stepping on his tongue."

"Sorry, Dad, I’m drawing a blank."

“Picture 'Mouth Drooler', aka 'Tongue Stepper', although you may only remember him as the lech at whom you hit your professional level forehand right between his eyes."

“Oh yeah, what about him?”

“What’s his name?”

"Brrriiiaaannn," she oozed, squeezing out every grain of sugar from its oh so sweet sound.

The storm clouds that had passed through her father’s mind did a u-turn, returned, and thickened.

And so began Hilary’s seven and a half year romance, a nail biting match of double faults, foot faults, and missed line calls, during which Jim and his wife Mary held their breath, while hanging precariously from a precipice. Wanting to tear out their hair, they couldn't because their fingernails were preoccupied with holding onto the cliff's edge; however, their hair had a mind of its own, and needing no help from anyone or anything else, it whitened nicely in a very short period of time.

Although it was a close line call, Hilary and Brrriiiaaannn finally acknowledged  that tennis and hormones were really all that they had in common, and they went their separate ways. Ironically though, Hilary ended up marrying a guy whose name was also Brrriiiaaannn.

To keep the Brrriiiaaannns straight, Jim renamed them Brian One and Brian Two, but instead of calling his son-in-law Brian Two, he called him Brian-Brian.

"You need to stop calling Brian, Brian-Brian. I want you to just call him Brian," Hilary implored.

"But that's Brian One's name, isn't it?," her Dad questioned.

"You can call Brian One, Brian-Brian, if it makes you happy, but I want you to stop calling Brian Two, Brian-Brian. Just call him Brian, okay."

"How can I do that? Your husband appeared on the scene after Brian One, so that makes him Brian Two, or Brian-Brian, right?"

"Look at it this way, Dad. You never see Brian One, and you most likely never will. You see Brian Two constantly. He's the number one Brian in my life. Brian One came in second, for which you should be very happy. So just rename Brian One as Brian-Brian, and just rename Brian Two as Brian.

“Point, game, set, match, Ms. Jensen,” her father announced. “Give my regards to Bri,” he added.