Canine
Persuasion
by Holly Bohart
Dear
Homeowners,
It has come to
our attention that you are in egregious violation
of the standards of the Greater Ralston
Homeowners' Association (hereafter referred to as
the "HOA," although we prefer "Your
Royal Highnesses") regarding canine
ownership. HOA Rule 793205xiv%894 clearly states
that all domiciles within its jurisdiction will
retain at least one animal of canine persuasion,
which shall be of a stature that is inversely
related to the size of the dwelling. Based on our
approximations of the square footage of your
domicile, we have calculated a required canine
stature of not less than 5 feet (standing height
of 6 feet, 2 inches).
You have been
sighted numerous times walking about the
neighborhood alone, unaccompanied by a dog. This
is in violation of Rule IIVXIIXIV. We begin to
suspect that you do not own a cat, either,
although this cannot be proven, as cats are not
easily found if they do not wish to be.
Our community
has standards to uphold, and regrettably, you
have shown a marked unwillingness to support them.
Your failure to comply with our mandate borders
on anti-canine sentiment, which will NOT be
tolerated in this community. Our neighborhood was
founded on principles of equality among humans
and canines, and we are charged with ensuring
that this legacy continues.
We regret that,
according to Rule BVK@@@J, we must impose
sanctions for Failure to Retain a Canine, which
shall include a fine of not less than $7,249,397.
If violations continue, the offending homeowners
shall be placed in the community dog run and, in
full view of the public, slobbered upon by the
approximately 1,926 dogs currently residing in
the immediate area.
We trust,
however, that now that this matter has been
brought to your attention (and the dire
consequences of continued violations duly set
forth), you will realize your error and institute
immediate action to rectify the situation. Within
seven days, this HOA must have proof that you
have acquired, and brought into your home with
permanent intentions, a dog meeting the size
requirements set forth earlier in this letter. We
expect you and this canine to appear at the next
scheduled HOA meeting, at which time the dog will
be closely questioned to determine whether he or
she is, indeed, a member of your household.
If you have
any questions for us, such as why our Rules do
not follow any established numbering system,
please do not hesitate to contact us. We can be
reached between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m.,
except when we are out walking our dogs.
Sincerely
yours,
Greater Ralston HOA Canine Task Force
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