"Feghooters
Don'ts"
by Art Bupkis
Dear Fellow
Feghooters (and our numerous groupies):
Since the
first installment of this on-line tutorial on the
fine art of the literary Feghoot, I have been
barraged (well, at least once) to clarify what
are NOT fine Feghoots. As exemplars are always
more helpful to artistic development than rules,
at the risk of wide social offence I am now
providing some atrocious examples. Note that most
are short, rather than being of the noble long
form I champion.
Example #5
requires special note. Although I am unaware of
any other play attempting a Feghoot, this example
is downright distasteful, that alone being enough
reason to bring it to your attention. Perhaps
worse, I believe I detect cheap ridicule of the
USA Economic Recovery Act and Chrysler Motors,
maker of the Jeep. Simply outrageous, given the
service the Jeep rendered in WW-II.
1)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck each opened wild animal
export companies in Australia. Bugs packed his
animals in wooden containers in which they were
comfortably housed on the airplane. A cheep-skate,
Daffy simply ball & chained his critters on
the deck of a freighter. Bugs' shipment arrived
safely, but Daffy's sank, as a Tasmanian Devil
got loose and ate the other animals, the crew,
and most of the ship. Which demonstrates that old
rule of commerce: "Better crate than
tether."
2)
A beauty shop opened in San Francisco that
catered to transvestite clowns. With the
recession and lagging business, a sign in the
window advertised a 2 for 1 special: “A
ninny shaved is a ninny permed.”
3)
Mr. and Mrs. Kvetch should'a figured all their
girls would be divorced. As everyone knows, "Shrill
daughters none keep."
4)
A pig farmer had it with his wife's sharp temper
and "poor me" complaining, so he
threatened her with real work: From now on, "A
bitch & whine, bathes swine."
| 5) |
|
Pop-Eyed
Swea’pea! |
| |
Act
I |
A
Room in Olive Oyl’s Cottage |
| The
Jeep: |
|
“Jeep,
Jeep!”
(Eugene the Jeep is on Olive.) |
| Olive
Oyl: |
|
“Oh,
Yes! Golly me.
Oh, Yes…. Oh my.
Oh, YES, YES…. Y-E-S !!!
Oh, golly gee, Eugene, you are a
magical Jeep!" |
| Swea’pea: |
|
(Peaking
through a window with his Brownie camera)
“Oh, boy! Wait’ll Popeye sees
this!” |
| The
Jeep: |
|
“Jeep!” |
| |
Act
II |
On
Popeye’s Ship |
| Swea’pea: |
|
“Get
a load of these, sailor man.”
(Out come the pictures.) |
| Popeye:
|
|
“Well
Blow Me Down!
“Why that…. I gots to gets over
to Olive’s, QUICK!” |
| |
Act
III |
Back
at Olive’s |
| The
Jeep: |
|
“Jeep,
Jeep!”
(The Jeep is dog'n Popeye.) |
| Popeye: |
|
Gee
Willikers, Olive! It is
a magical Jeep!!” |
| Olive: |
|
“You
go williker yourself, Popeye. It's my
turn now.” |
| Swea’pea:
|
|
(At
the window with the Brownie again.)
“Hot dog! Wait’ll Bluto sees
this!” |
| The
Jeep: |
|
"Jeep!" |
THE END (?)
|
| Certainly
not. Chrysler Motors, with substantial
help from the US tax-payer, is now
introducing the 2010 Jeep
"Budget Bugger". Yep,
Mr. & Mrs. America, when you hear "Jeep",
reach for the K-Y. One way or another,
you're get'n screwed. |
| 6)
Art Bupkis recently opened a comedy
dinner club. As waitresses he has hired
big-breasted, joke-telling transsexuals
and makes them wear skimpy outfits. Yes,
it's called "Fag-Hooters". |
| |
p.s.
I'm suing the smart-ass homophobe who
wrote this last one |
|
| |
|
--Art
>;-( > . |
|
