How to be Dead
II
(A Dead Man's
Testimony)
by Michael S.
Collins
As Frank’s
dog stumbled across the lawn next door, I thought
about how my day had gone. Today was probably not
looking to be the best of days. Much to my
disdain and turmoil I appear to have died. This
was most inconvenient, given as I had hoped for a
longer life in all regards, but also because I
seemed to have no idea of the protocol of death. I
seemed to be standing around waiting for
something to happen, when it becomes clearer that
there must be some sort of action on my part and
I have no idea what it is! What would someone
like my father do in my position? Probably head
to the bar, but that can not be on the agenda.
Since I am
being kept waiting I thought I would visit the
wife. Not to haunt her. Honest! But perhaps this
was an opportunity for some solace, and answers
regarding her and Richard. I came in through the
wall. Even in my disconsolate state, I had to
admit that was a brilliant entrance. Lisa, for
her part, dropped her suitcase and looked on in
mortification at her showboating husband.
"Look
what I can do!" In spite of myself, I was
enjoying her severe unhappiness. I had had a bad
day, inflicted mostly by her, after all. For her
part she tried unsuccessfully to bring some
composure to the situation.
"What
happened to you?"
"Bad day.
Lost wife, lost job, lost life. On a bad run I
think. At least you will be free to sleep with
Richard now, death doing us part and all that."
The wife took
this badly. She came over to slap me and the hand
went through my face. A tingling sensation! She
screamed, and ran from the room. I might enjoy
being dead. Richard’s dog looks on its last
legs too.
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