If Bozo the
Clown Were President
by Kevin Brown
What is satire? Satire's
the truth toned down.
Bozo the Clown were President, he'd be sworn in
with a BANG! At the Inauguration, he'd
Rocky Balboa the steps of the U.S. Capitol, and
shadow box for the press. He'd take the official
oath with his fingers crossed behind his back:
"I do solemnly swear, yadda, yadda, yadda,"
he'd say. "
and defend the
Constitution of the United States, oh help me God." Then,
he'd smack the Chief Justice in the face with a
cream pie. This would be followed by a 21 cap-gun
salute and the Big Top Band playing, Hell,
Here's the Chief. And Cooky would be
Vice President. Wizzo and Cuddly Duddly
cabinet members. They'd cartwheel down
Pennsylvania Avenue. Throw candy like a real
If Bozo were
President, he'd start an arms race, where all the
weapons are toy flag guns that say, POP!
POW! Or: KITOWW! He'd have
all airplanes built with the same material as the
black box. He'd put treadmill belts in front of
fast food registers, so patrons could burn
calories while waiting for their food. Speed
them up if the orders are Super-sized. Instead of
food drops to starving countries, he'd drop the
starving off at Chuck E. Cheese.
would then change the type of element that backs
the world's currency. Instead of gold and silver,
he'd make it water and see how fast we'd drain
the oceans. Class separation would be
levels of dehydration. Next, he'd make everyone
from each country pick up and move to
anotherBritain to Africa, Japan to China,
Germany to Israel. Move America to Iraq and
see if we're really so advanced or if it's just
location, location, location. He'd stop worrying
about life on Mars and focus on death on Earth.
He'd settle all wars by having each side play the
Grand Prize Game. Each bucket made is
another battle won.
If he were
leader, he'd say, "Ask not what your country
has done to you, but what you have done to your
country." He'd make diamonds worthless. Make
gravel precious stones. Then, the streets
would be paved with jewels. He would institute a
reversal of celebrity. Make movie stars,
sports icons, and rock gods pay outrageous ticket
prices to watch teachers teach children, maids
scrub toilets, and mechanics fix cars. He'd
improvise his speeches and give the world a
reason to laugh. He'd text message the State of
the Union Address: M-S, V-P-C, M-O-C, etc., etc.,
and it'd be the easiest to understand in years.
He'd put humans on the endangered species list,
because we're all one nuclear pissing contest
away from extinction. He'd bring ice cream to
NATO meetings and say, "I scream, you scream,
we all scream." He'd squirt water in
Queen Elizabeth's face. Pull a rabbit from
Hu Jintao's ear. Give a balloon to Kim Jong Il.
He'd make the world a fun place. Make the
world a better place.
If Bozo the
Clown were President, he'd be assassinated with a