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Police Assistance
by Michael S. Collins

Welcome to the Strathbungo County Police Service. Under our new bureaucratic streamlined system, every complaint can be sorted by the touch of a button.

If you are being murdered, raped or assassinated, press 1 now.
If you are thinking of assassinating our glorious leader, press 2 now.
If you have seen a bad bunch of ring tailed lemurs, press 3 now.
If you need medical assistance, look up the nearest operational ambulance from the A-Z pamphlet in your nearest GP surgery by pressing 4 now.
If you wish to confess to a crime, press 5 now. It would make everything much easier.
If you do not wish to confess to a crime, press 6 now. We know you did it.
If you went out for a walk, press 7 now and our police will take you away shortly.
If you are feeling low, friendly executions can be arranged by pressing 8 now.
If you have a cat up a tree, press 9 now to get a police tiger to eat it.
If you would rather the tree was blown up by dynamite, press 10 now to receive the release forms.
If there is a dragon, vampire or time lord in your back garden patio, press 11 now.
If you witnessed a rape, murder or assassination, press 12 now.
If your query is none of the above, you are a problem to the state. We have traced this call and would fill your house with gas, if only we did not have to fill in all the paper work before hand.

We hope you enjoyed this service. Please press # now to add the bill for 43.40 for the cost of this call. Have a good day.