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Spice Up Swimming And Make It Snappy
by Michael S. Collins

And I used to think the swimming at the Olympics was dull.

We at the Federation of Swimming Seriously for Medals, in our hostile takeover of the Heats, decided that it was time to sex up the 100 metres freestyle.

And nothing says sexing up like a mystery competitor.

The other swimmers nervously stood on the line, ready to dive in. The mystery competitor would have a handicap.

Well, everyone would have a handicap.

The mystery competitor would have a 10 second penalty, so the others would get a ten second head start. In that way, he was handicapped.

The other swimmers were handicapped, because the mystery competitor was a crocodile.

The starting siren went off, and the swimmers dived off the starting blocks into the water. And after ten seconds...

“Release the crocodile!”

An underwater door opened and the crocodile swam into lane eight.


The crocodile is an official competitor, you know. He has the full qualifications to represent his home country of wherever he pleases.

He is representing Australia, as a matter of interest.

The crocodile should not be swimming widths, as opposed to lengths.

In a way comprehensible to even someone who was educated in the People’s Republic of Brentford...well, a crocodile does not possess the intelligence of a human. We couldn’t teach it how to swim the pool according to the rules.

Or that it shouldn’t be eating the competition. Oh, and that’s a shame. No gold medal for Austria in the pool this year. Someone get his next of kin!

But at the end of the day, Australia is bound to win the gold now. And since we, at the FSSM, have money riding on that outcome, I think we can all find the day’s results pleasing.