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Tell Me the Truth, Mr. Doctor
by Walt Giersbach

Mr. Phineas Doctor is pleased to answer the most common medical questions men have:

Q.  Mr. Doctor, other doctors have told me to give up smoking, that it’s bad for my heart.  What’s the truth?

A.  The truth is your heart is a muscle just like your biceps and abs.  Smoking makes the heart work harder, therefore it gets stronger. Keep on puffing. But remember: Mr. Penis is not a muscle and can’t be enlarged through exercise!

Q. I’ve lost 185 pounds on The Biggest Loser show, Mr. Doctor. Now, my skin is all saggy. When I go to the beach, people think I’m wearing clothes that need ironing. Is there anything I can do?

A. Many people suffer the heartbreak of droopy-poopy skin. Through science, we’ve learned that a simple operation can make you look fit again. A medical practitioner pulls all the skin up to the top of your head and snips it off, giving you an immediate “body lift.” You’ll find, however, it’s best to wear a muffler around your neck or disguise your penis as a necktie.

Q. My wife thinks I’ve gained too much weight. Do you think a 54-inch belly is obese?

A. Not if you’re a Gloucestershire Old Spot pig, but pigs don’t write to me for advice. The truth is your belly should be two times your neck size. My guess is that you’re closer to 3X or 4X. If Barbie Doll were real, she’d have a 36-24-38-inch measurement, but that means she’d be 7 feet tall. So, you may be 7 feet tall, or have a 27-inch shirt collar, or even be a Gloucestershire Old Spot. As an alternative to dieting, maybe you should find a new wife.

Q. Lately, I’ve noticed great clumps of hair falling out. I’m so bald now that my head slides off the pillow at night. When I go to the bowling alley, players put their fingers in my ears. What can I do?

A. They say bald men are more virile, but that’s meshuganah. To get more of that Brad Pitt ambience (and sex) you might want to transplant the hair from your back, legs and arms. Don’t use your pubic hair or you’ll look like Prince or some hip-hop singer. Under no circumstances should you shave your pet and glue its hair to your head. A man I knew tried this and was followed into a pub by a dozen drooling Dalmatians.

Q. My wife and I have been trying to have a baby, but I have erectile dysfunction.  Can I do anything to enhance my masculinity?

A. Oi, I heard rumors that oysters can send the flag up the flagpole. They can’t hurt and it’s fun trying. (Disclosure: my university friend tried a dozen oysters and insisted only 11 worked.)  Personally, I’m afraid of those drugs on TV that can cause deafness or blindness, but, hey, maybe that’s a blessing if you got a loud, ugly wife.

Q. My doctor said the blinding headaches and spots before my eyes indicate a tumor and I have just six weeks to live. With the end in sight, I went out to buy new clothes. I got in a fight with my haberdasher when he insisted I needed a size 17 collar. I’ve always worn a 15 . Will Medicare cover some of my clothing bills?

A. Let me tell you, schmuck, if you wear a size 15 you’re going to have blinding headaches and see spots before your eyes. Medicare only pays for burial shrouds, unless you want to be buried in a motorized wheelchair.

Q. I watched TV's Katie Couric warn every man to get a colononoscopy. So, I did it and am I ever in pain. What do you think went wrong?

A. Did the doctor remember to remove your pants first? A zipper can really sting.