Tell Me the
Truth, Mr. Doctor
by Walt Giersbach
Mr.
Phineas Doctor is pleased to answer the most
common medical questions men have:
Q.
Mr. Doctor, other doctors have told me to give up
smoking, that it’s bad for my heart.
What’s the truth?
A.
The truth is your heart is a muscle just like
your biceps and abs. Smoking makes the
heart work harder, therefore it gets stronger. Keep
on puffing. But remember: Mr. Penis is not a
muscle and can’t be enlarged through
exercise!
Q.
I’ve lost 185 pounds on
The Biggest Loser show, Mr. Doctor. Now, my skin
is all saggy. When I go to the beach, people
think I’m wearing clothes that need ironing.
Is there anything I can do?
A. Many
people suffer the heartbreak of droopy-poopy skin.
Through science, we’ve learned that a simple
operation can make you look fit again. A medical
practitioner pulls all the skin up to the top of
your head and snips it off, giving you an
immediate “body lift.” You’ll find,
however, it’s best to wear a muffler around
your neck or disguise your penis as a necktie.
Q.
My wife thinks I’ve gained
too much weight. Do you think a 54-inch
belly is obese?
A. Not
if you’re a Gloucestershire Old Spot pig,
but pigs don’t write to me for advice. The
truth is your belly should be two times your neck
size. My guess is that you’re closer to 3X
or 4X. If Barbie Doll were real, she’d have
a 36-24-38-inch measurement, but that means she’d
be 7 feet tall. So, you may be 7 feet tall,
or have a 27-inch shirt collar, or even be a
Gloucestershire Old Spot. As an alternative to
dieting, maybe you should find a new wife.
Q.
Lately, I’ve noticed great
clumps of hair falling out. I’m so bald
now that my head slides off the pillow at night. When
I go to the bowling alley, players put their
fingers in my ears. What can I do?
A. They
say bald men are more virile, but that’s
meshuganah. To get more of that Brad Pitt
ambience (and sex) you might want to transplant
the hair from your back, legs and arms. Don’t
use your pubic hair or you’ll look like
Prince or some hip-hop singer. Under no
circumstances should you shave your pet and glue
its hair to your head. A man I knew tried
this and was followed into a pub by a dozen
drooling Dalmatians.
Q.
My wife and I have been trying
to have a baby, but I have erectile dysfunction.
Can I do anything to enhance my masculinity?
A. Oi,
I heard rumors that oysters can send the flag up
the flagpole. They can’t hurt and it’s
fun trying. (Disclosure: my university friend
tried a dozen oysters and insisted only 11 worked.)
Personally, I’m afraid of those drugs on TV
that can cause deafness or blindness, but, hey,
maybe that’s a blessing if you got a loud,
ugly wife.
Q.
My doctor said the blinding
headaches and spots before my eyes indicate a
tumor and I have just six weeks to live. With the
end in sight, I went out to buy new clothes. I
got in a fight with my haberdasher when he
insisted I needed a size 17 collar. I’ve
always worn a 15 ½. Will Medicare cover some of
my clothing bills?
A. Let
me tell you, schmuck, if you wear a size 15 ½
you’re going to have blinding headaches and
see spots before your eyes. Medicare only
pays for burial shrouds, unless you want to be
buried in a motorized wheelchair.
Q.
I watched TV's Katie Couric
warn every man to get a colononoscopy. So, I
did it and am I ever in pain. What do you think
went wrong?
A. Did
the doctor remember to remove your pants first? A
zipper can really sting.
|
