The Lemur Crime
by Michael S.
Collins
There was a
tragic story in the news the other day. You may
have seen it yourself. A man is said to be
critically ill in hospital after he was attacked,
late at night and with no recourse, by a savage
gang of ring tailed lemurs.
The lemurs
were said to be at the foot of his garden when,
curiosity rearing it's ugly head, the man, who
wishes to remain nameless, bent down to pet one.
This lemur grabbed his arm, dislocating his
shoulder in the process, and twisted him onto his
back, bruising his spinal column. Then they all
laughed menacingly, in the way only evil ring
tailed lemurs can. The poor man was found by his
gang leader, who managed to step over the evil
lemurs and drag his friend away to safety. The
creatures did not go after them, merely stood and
watched the scene. Wither this be through a
malicious enjoyment of the act perpetuated, or a
gazing innocence at the crime committed, one does
not know. But it can be assumed that they knew
what they were in for.
The man at the
heart of this tragic case may well recover in
time. He will be released from hospital this
evening. But what of these reckless lemurs, these
jaywalking prosimians that caused his troubles.
Why, they could be sauntering down your street
this very minute, tails in the air in triumph,
their evil eyes glancing quizzically at you,
begging the question: do you feel lucky, punk?
The police advice is that nobody should feel
lucky in the slightest, and that the public
should avoid these lemurs, since they are
incredibly dangerous.
This is not
the first case of ring tailed lemur crime in this
city in recent months. Every honest and hard
working citizen will remember the horror when the
ring tailed lemurs coerced that young toddler to
throw stones down at the football players from
Hampden Park stadium.
Some have
placed the blame on the nameless man, saying that
lemurs are in fact a scared but otherwise
friendly species, and that this muscle head
probably scared them. The police do not believe
in this line of thinking. Police say no blame can
be placed on the man in question, as he clearly
came under the influence of a bad bunch of ring
tailed lemurs.
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