The Nine Lives
of a Cat
by Nathaniel Tower
Contrary to
popular belief and wisdom that suggests that
superstitions and clichés have no stock in them,
cats actually do have nine lives. Which means,
more importantly, that they have nine deaths.
Some people
will tell you they have seen cats die and not
come back to life. This, of course, is true.
Those individuals clearly saw that cat's ninth
and final death. Of course the cat didn't come
back to life. Cat experts know it is true, but
what they don't tell you is that the cat actually
gets stronger after each death.
Nietzsche may
have been correct when he told us that what does
not kill us only makes us stronger, but what he
forgot to say was that which does kill us makes
us even stronger than that which does not kill us.
For humans, this principle doesn't work so well
because we only have one life, but cats have nine.
Just imagine how fucking strong a cat must be by
its ninth life. I, for one, having spent many
years living around cats--or were they living
around me--don't need to imagine.
I once engaged
in an epic battle with one of those ferocious
creatures. It began when I ran over him with my
car. By the time I parked the car and started to
walk into my house, the feline had regenerated,
his blood stain and matted fur still clinging to
the asphalt as he approached me with his yellow
eyes. My first reaction was actually to laugh at
the cat, but it only took a few sticky steps
before I knew he meant business. Imagine how
strong that cat was after being run over by a car.
My baseball bat did nothing. My 9mm did though.
Unfortunately, that was not the cat's ninth death
either. Even more unfortunate, a 9mm was the
strongest thing I had.
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