The Perfect
Marriage
by Michael S.
Collins
"Why you
late?" Smith barely had time to open the
door when the familiar call of his wife hit him
with the full force of a bungee jumping crocodile.
George Smith wouldn’t say he had an unhappy
relationship with his wife. After all, she was
bigger than he was. If the marriage was a boxing
match, the referee would have halted it in favour
of Elaine a few decades prior.
"I was
kept busy by business." Almost completely
correct - if he explained that he was busy
talking to a teenage girl wearing a deceptively
short skirt, she would instantly think he was
having an affair. Since Elaine Smith was paranoid,
George felt it necessary to keep his crazy
anecdote to himself. The next words from his wife
proved any chance of a quiet rest of his life was
George deluding himself.
"You
better not be spending time with teenage girls,
else I'd be thinking you were having an affair!"
As is normal
with sudden bolts from the blue, George Smith had
no answer to this. He could honestly state he was
not having an affair, but he had seen a teenage
girl, therefore by that being the truth, then his
wife would know, and so in turn would assume he
was having an affair, which he then must have by
inference. George opened his mouth to confess his
crime, then he realized he was guilty of. He
became confused. He looked evasive, an attempt to
look nonplussed which came off more as an
admission of guilt.
"I
promise you I am not having an affair."
"Coward",
Elaine hissed, and snuggled back into her
chair.
Elaine had an
important job. Whenever a television channel was
worried about slipping ratings, they sent Elaine
videos of the week’s episodes complete with
cheque, tabloid contact details and orders to
find anything offensive. Sometimes the offence
was obvious: a sex scene or onscreen death. Other
times, imagination was needed. Her proudest
achievement came when she called outrage on a
situation drama featuring the birthday of a
sixteen-year-old girl. This was Channel X, so the
party degenerated into a crazed girl-on-girl orgy
and murders. It wasn’t the murders Elaine
found offensive when she complained, or the
underlying misogynistic message. Elaine
complained that it had shown a birthday party
before the watershed, which was offensive to
religious minorities who don’t celebrate
birthdays! Her wild complaints did what they had
been rewarded to do. The aptly named "Birthday-Sugar-Sex-Magic"
episode became the highest rated episode in the
history of anything, as everyone tuned into see
what the fuss was. Including one leading Jehovah's
Witness, who tuned into see what this whole
birthday lark was about, and found himself unable
to ever look at his neighbours ever again.
Elaine was the
paid moral minority. A well-paid job she
absolutely hated.
Elaine Smith
was suspicious that her husband was adulterous.
This was not true, but her suspicions were reborn
a few hours later when she answered the door to
find, standing innocently in the rain, a pretty,
drenched teenage girl in a tacky skirt and torn
shirt. Elaine looked at the apparition in horror.
"Hello",
said the girl, "My name is Maria. Can I
speak to George please?"
And Elaine
fainted in horror.
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