Who's To Blame?
by James A.
Stewart
I have a mate
called Boogie, he gets the blame for everything.
His pals Moonlight and Sunshine get away with
murder, but Boogie, well he's been blamed for
everything from global warming to the price of
electricity.
There was this
one time when Sunshine burnt about one hundred
people on Brighton beach, and who do you think
the finger was pointed at? Boogie, of course. The
press guy said, 'This is what happens when people
are involved in all night Boogieing, they fall
asleep on the beach and get burnt – they
probably now have cancer, too.'
In fairness to
Boogie he didn't make them dance all night. He
facilitated it, that's all. Moonlight was there
too, looking lovely and complete and with a big
thoughtful look on her face. Did she get dragged
into it? No, too right she didn't. She was only 'observing'
and mulling over an upcoming appointment with the
beautician during the next eclipse.
There was also
another time when Boogie was dragged into a
public scandal. His 'output was deafening the
youth of today', according that bastion of
impartiality, the BBC. Through the de'il's
contraption, the iPod, the BBC said that Boogie
was 'subjugating the nation's populace to his
ware'; especially the most vulnerable and
impressionable demographic, our youth'. There was
all that funk, jazz, rock and disco being played.
Every minute of every day someone was listening
to Boogie. 'He has control and has to be stopped',
they exclaimed in between bulletins on parking
fines and heavy rain in the Home Counties.
If all of that
wasn't bad enough, Good Times used Boogie like a
cheap whore desperate for a hit. She had a whale
of a time at Boogie's expense, singing and
dancing the night away as Boogie was castigated
for his rhythmic sound and its influence on
Britain's youth.
Boogie was
beaten up and knocked to the ground, proverbially
and physically, and it all served to take the
fight out of him. Angry Goths, Raucous Ravers and
Plastic Rockers all chided poor boy Boogie into
submission, now, alas, he lies at the bottom of a
bargain pile yearning for the days of yore when
the afro was king and flares weren't used only to
attract help. Boogie looks back to those halcyon
days the way people remember the size of Wagon
Wheels, with much misty eyed reflection.
The easiest
way for me to define how Boogie has lost his mojo
is through music. In this age of mass media and
consumption, with a funk and verve like Boogie in
full swing the following band would never have
happened, but they did. Who are they you ask?
Nickelback.
And it's our
fault.
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