Licking It
by Michael C.
Keith
Damn mouth is bone dry with three
envelopes yet to seal. Hate licking these
frigging flaps! Not thrilled about writing bills
and sending what dough I have left to billionaire
companies either. Leaves me with next to nothing
until payday. I always save the biggest bill
until last . . . a habit of mine. This time it’s
for $458 for fuel to keep my flat from icing over.
Owe three months of back payments. Better make
good on it or else no more goddamn oil delivery.
So at this point in the game, I got
to pay up, unless I want to die from hyperthermia
in my sleep. Come to think of it, that’s not
a bad way to go. They say you just fall to sleep
anyway when you freeze to death. I suppose it
would be a convenient way of ending things. There’s
some value in that.
Going without food for me is no big
deal. A few crackers and a cup of Joe will get me
through any day. But you just can’t make it
without heat here in the Upper Peninsula, if that’s
your goal. That is, to stay alive . . . at least
not in January. Figure I’ll pay part of the
bill. Keep them from cutting me off. Send them,
say, half of what I owe. That should do it.
Jesus, why does the glue on their
envelopes taste so gross? Couldn’t they
flavor them somehow? People might pay their bills
sooner it the flaps tasted like steak or lobster.
Screw them. I’ll just send $50. That’s
what they get for making their return envelopes
taste so rotten. Do they care? I don’t think
so. So why should I care? Wait a minute. Why send
them $50? Okay, here’s a ten spot. No . . .
no, a fin is enough for you lousy bastards. And I’m
not going to lick your disgusting envelope either.
Fold the flap inside. That should work.
Hey, if the payment falls out on its
way to you, that happens. I’ll have to write
you another check, but that takes time. In fact,
why should I even put five dollars in the
envelope? Who’s to know what was in there in
the first place? Could have been for the full
amount for all you’ll know. If your envelope
adhesive didn’t turn my stomach, I would be
more conscientious about paying my bill. You don’t
make it easy. I hope you realize that. A bloody
sticky wicket is what it is.
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