Of Courtesy,
Platitudes and Wit
by Peter Mugerwa
George Orwell
noted that, ‘the English language is in a
bad way ….’ and pointed out that the
repeated use of platitudes saves people the
trouble of inventing phrases for themselves. He
then advised writers never to use a metaphor,
simile or other figure of speech they are used to
seeing in print.
Ahmed, Bryan
and Titus, are three friends who amuse themselves
by exchanging chits during a lecture. They are
not only always determined to remain mentally
alert, but also avoid using clichés. They,
during a boring lecture, find themselves drawn (unconsciously)
into an exchange to see which one of them is at
their wit’s end first. Courtesy provides the
starting point.
Ahmed to Titus:
‘I want you to get me a copy of
Achebe’s Things Fall Apart once
again please.’
‘Say,
“I would like you to HELP ME and leng
me YOUR copy of Things Fall Apart". A beggar
has no choice. BE POLITE. Bastard!’
‘Stupid!
Though what you say is right. But, if you have
the authority, why plead? Huh? By the way, learn
to spell your words!’
‘Mistakes
are human, sonny boy! Don’t emphasize
mistakes that are an oversight.’
‘Whatever!
After all your copy is old and has some missing
pages. Bogus!’
‘Take it
back now! You know the old broom knows all
corners of the room. Unless you polish your act,
you are going to come to naught. Now, ask for
forgiveness. NOW!’
Titus pleased
and enjoying the exchange sends the chit to Bryan
who devours the exchange and writes thus:
‘Who the
hell do you think you are?’ (And then passes
it on to Ahmed.)
Ahmed:
‘Avoid clichés. Remember Orwell? I’m
not scared since barking dogs don’t bite.’
Titus:
‘So who is employing clichés? Barking what?!
Hopeless bastard! Practice what you preach. Ha ha
ha! Oh, and Bryan, watch out!’
Bryan:
‘I’m not daunted - barking dogs . . . .’
Ahmed:
‘YOU ALL DISGUST ME! BE INNOVATIVE AT LEAST
ONCE IN A WHILE.’
Bryan replies
and from here on, the two slug it out.
‘That is
silly of you - thought you had some sense in your
nut.’ ‘FOOLISH.’
‘Ma plank!
(a character in Abraham’s Mine Boy
the friends corrupted to discredit each other) -
watch your remarks. You may have cause to worry.
Okay?'
‘Of whom
are you asking such cowardly questions?’
‘Weak
brains! Watch out! You are making yourself a
disgrace - our father - act your age.
‘This
exchange was between Men. How come you are
“fitting” in?’
‘You’ve
fathered us and you doubt my manliness - hopeless
you are - our father.’
‘No
wonder you failed mathematics. A twenty-one year
old man cannot give birth to a thirty-two year
old person. Stupid! Bogus! daft head! GO TO HELL!’
And Bryan, not
one to take defeat lying down makes sure that he
has the last word.
‘Let’s
meet there - AMEN.’
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