Skateboarding On
The Appian Way
by Dom
Macchiaroli
Caesar and
Cicero had a disagreement over the proper way to
run the Roman Republic. Cicero thought a group of
erudite men clad in togas could eloquently argue
their way into the creation of a lawful nation-state.
Caesar was more partial to the idea that a few
veteran legions marching on Rome could settle
things in his favor. In the end it was Mark
Antony who came up with the perfect compromise; a
skateboard competition. Let individual expertise
and prowess on the half-pipe determine whether
Rome would become an ordinary republic of laws,
or a martial dictatorship bent on enslaving
peoples and nations.
And so, on
March 14 of the year 44 BC, Gaius Julius Caesar,
conqueror of Cisalpine Gaul, great military and
political leader, and Marcus Tullius Cicero,
philosopher, orator, statesman, lawyer, and
strict constitutionalist faced off against each
other, mano y mano, in a match of expert
skateboarding skills. ESPN 4 was on hand to
broadcast the action.
Caesar led off
with an incredible half-pipe maneuver, the
“ollie”, which stunned the crowd. Then
he performed a series of tricks culminating with
three blind kickflips. He rode a banana board
with Tracker trucks. When he finished, the plebes
were in awe, begging for more.
Cicero
hadn’t practiced nearly as much, and it
showed as he performed some routine vert slash
grinds and frontside/backside airs. His kneepads
didn’t hold and his turn ended with him
catching his dirty cloak in the wheels of his
polyurethane board and he fell to the ground. The
crowd giggled and the competition ended with
Caesar declared the clear winner. Slanders and
curses were tossed around, all in Latin of course,
but it was obvious to everyone there who had had
the better day.
The next
morning, on the Ides of March, Caesar was killed
in the Senate by Brutus, Cassius, and William
Shakespeare because Cicero was a poor sport and
paid them off. His menial victory didn’t
last long however because Octavian, Caesar’s
grand nephew, soon took over anyway, had Cicero
executed in an ugly way, and oversaw the creation
of the Roman Empire, which gave us marvelous
architecture, highly efficient aqueduct systems,
bad spaghetti, and Caesar salad which is my
son’s favorite food.
This has been
a false history of the foundations of the Roman
Empire. I hope you enjoyed it and learned
absolutely nothing of value, importance, or
historical relevance.
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