So you've travelled extensively then go and write a book!
We don't want a blow by blow account of your expeditions Captain Cook!
You've returned from your holiday yes we would like to see a few pics
But five and a half hours later you've got on our bloody wicks!

We don't care about the history of the place no matter how elusive
Was it hot? Did it have a private beach and were the drinks all inclusive?
If we wanted to read up on that country we would of bought a Rough Guide!
So stop spouting bewildering place names and talking out of your backside!

Next time you embark on an unannounced visit and our house is all dark
If you think we've gone away for the weekend, come closer now hark..
For you will hear the faint whisperings of panic and fear
Mutterings of "Sssh! keep your head down that crashing bores here!"

When others tell of successes you sulk like a child
Spitting your dummy out the pram, visibly riled
For surely you were born to be the only one who mattered
Expecting to be waited on, adored, looked up to and flattered

You assume everything you bellow is interesting, and yet instead
No-one can actually remember anything interesting you've ever said
We switch off when you talk, focus on random objects in the room
Occasionally coming to in response to a sudden questioning boom

"Did you hear what I said!?" I tried not to as it's dishwater dull
Any chance of me having an enjoyable time is now void and null
Being held hostage in your conversations I would rather do origami
Each time you start a sentence it feels like running away from a Tsunami!

So next time you open your mouth in your usual self satisfied manner
Think of others' suffering - don't be such a spanner
Be aware that your every word, every boast is starting to grate
If you haven't got anything worthwhile to say put a sock in it mate!