Shut Up About
Cthulhu
by Christopher
Haygood
“I just don't
understand what makes him so popular,” said
the Loch Ness monster.
“Oh, I know. Is it his
his wings? His tentacles? I have tentacles too,
but you don't see me flaunting them around.”
The Kraken sipped on his French-pressed coffee,
and then sipped on his nine other French-pressed
coffees. “And another thing: that book of
his. The Necronomicon.”
“Oh, here we go.”
Nessie bit into a scone.
“So it was a New York
Times bestseller. Look into my face and tell me
if I care. That was the dullest, most pretentious
book I've ever read in my life. That 'even death
may die' line everyone keeps repeating makes me
want to puke. My comedy memoir, 'What's Kraken?'
is a thousand times more entertaining, and your
book … What was your book again?”
“Weight Loss for the
Working Woman.”
“Right. Well, I'm sure
it's a more effective weight loss guide than the
Necronomicon at least. The point is, that guy
doesn't deserve all the praise he gets. Get over
him already.”
“Yeah. Seriously,
everyone needs to shut the hell up about Cthulhu.
He's not that cool.”
“Seriously.”
They sat quietly for a few
minutes. The lunch rush was over and much of the
coffee house's crowd had gone back to various
underworlds, hallucinations, haunted houses and
the like, but one man still sat alone on a nearby
sofa, facing away from the Kraken and the Loch
Ness monster, reading a coffee table book about
Atlantis. Paul McCartney’s Silly Love
Songs played on the speakers and The Kraken
bobbed his head to it until halfway through, when
that person finally stood up and revealed himself
to be hundreds of feet tall and covered with
scales. He turned around, and the two monsters
froze when they saw the tentacles bedecking his
face.
“Cthulhu,” said
Nessie. “F-fancy meeting you here.”
“Hey guys,” said
Cthulhu. “Nice weather, huh?”
“Yeah,” the
others replied.
“After all this rain,
it's refreshing to have a little sun.”
“Seriously,” said
the Kraken, who had paled.
“Well, I'll see you
later.” Cthulhu ambled loudly and violently
out the door, and for a moment Nessie and the
Kraken felt relieved he hadn't heard them
gossiping about him. But then Cthulhu, after a
period of indecision, reentered the venue and
said, “You know, I've heard 'Release the
Kraken!' so many times that it's given me brain
damage. So you're a squid that's bigger than most
squids. Great. I have you for a face. And you,”
he said to Nessie, “at least I don't have
gift shops selling my likeness on t-shirts and
mouse pads, you sellout. Both of you go to hell.
I didn't ask for my popularity.”
Cthulhu let the door swing
shut, hopped into his Ferrari, placed his
sunglasses on his face, and drove away to the
city of R'lyeh. The Kraken and the Loch Ness
monster sipped and nibbled in complete silence.
“Seriously,” said
Odin, the coffee house manager.
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