Live With It
by Michael Franklin
It was Hiram
Schneckelburgher's day of retirement. It was a
time for celebration. From here on he would not
have to spend long minutes each day spelling out
his name. This was England and – although
his distant origins had been elsewhere in Europe
– he was now English. It was time for a
quiet life, most of it spent with friends and
neighbours who were not puzzled or offended by
the mouthful that labelled him.
As life became
more peaceful, Hiram had a thought. There were,
he knew, many other people in Britain who had
names that were unfamiliar to indigenous Brits.
He explored the internet, going into directories
and various membership lists, and found some. He
would form a club. He found a telephone number
for Ivontit Housenschnitzel and gave him a ring.
“Ivontit?”
“Yes.”
“Pardon
this call. I am Hiram from Birmingham.”
“What do
you hire?”
“I don't
hire anything. I'm calling you because of your
name...”
“So
– you are another of those idiots who say
ivontit supposing that I am going to tell them
that they can have it?”
“No. Now
listen please. I also have a surname that
originated in eastern Europe, and so do many
other people. I am hoping that we can get
together and form a club. Would that interest you?
Do you know of any others who would qualify?”
“Certainly
I do. We have a man over the road, Heidle
Brunkerdumpff who has spent his life denying that
he is idle – and a farmworker we know,
Nodderganger Duzbinnmanne who, everyone supposes
works for the council.”
“Yes. I
can understand that. It can be embarrassing. I
have found some others that I must contact. There
is a fellow in Carlisle called Grubbit
Niteschittenhoff, and a famly in Bradford called
Blundercrappe. Does that surprise you?
“No. We
all have to do it – whatever the language...”
“Good. Do
you have an email address?”
“No. but
we do have a female one. My wife Alquaseltza
looks after the post.”
“What I
mean is – do you compute?”
“Yes
– I commute to work in every day. Why do you
ask?”
“I just
want us to have an ongoing contact.”
“Okay. My
wife is here most of the time. Call her.”
“Give her
a ring then?”
“No. She
already has two and they came from me.”
“Okay -
but you would like to join the club?”
“No
thanks. If we did then a man I know –
Badflusteri Tonioblairymutt would want to join
also, and I would not want to share a membership
of anything with him!”
"So -
goodbye?"
"Good buy?
I knew you were trying to sell me something. Buzz
off!"
Hiram buzzed
off and gave the idea up.
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