More News Briefs
by Tom
Speropulos
Now that
fall is in the air, one's thoughts turn to the
coming holiday season, the new year, and what the
future might hold for us. Therefore, this seems
the perfect time for a few key tips and hints
from our 2012 Orwellian Mayan calendar that
highlighting investment tips and predictions:
2012
Money tips:
Stockpile used
cardboard boxes: Scientist's, in Malaysia, are on
the brink of being able to turn used cardboard
into ground beef. Unfortunately, test trials were
halted after only one successful conversion.
Apparently, when word of the success spread, a
riot ensued as hundreds of impoverished
Malaysians stormed alleyways throughout the
countryside.
It was learned
that the rioters carted off dumpsters filled with
cardboard, as well as the scientists, and their
equipment. Furthermore, large quantities of
antacids were stolen from a nearby pharmacy,
leading some to speculate the possibility of
serious side effects from the conversion.
Therefore, this may be a wait and see investment.
Other
quick tips:
Soy bean curd
ranching, Aluminum foil solar ovens designed
expressly to cook Nachos, and a new charter
school in Dallas "The Billie May school of
thoughtful and meaningful expression" for
the under informed.
Prediction:
In 2012, the
world will not end however; all of our underwear
will disappear during the annual "Fruit of
the Loom" rapture fest.
News
Briefs of the Weird:
It was learned
today that a recent Gallup Poll survey showed
that 48% of Americans have an overwhelming desire
to be stacked horizontally in a closet. 32% were
undecided while 20% of the respondents dope
slapped the pollster for asking such a bone head
question.
In a related
news item, the famous juggling team, The Four
Jugettes, were arrested yesterday in Danville,
when an off duty maid discovered them
impersonating an ice tray in their hotel room.
They were later moved to the deep freeze.
|
