Things That Go
Vrooommmm!
by Ralphie A Burcke
I saw some
cars that were going really, really fast and in
circles, a bit like goldfish on speed. I was
wondering if there was a really, really efficient
drive-through restaurant in the vicinity, you
know, for people who want to get obese in record
time, but no... And the cars, they were going,
"VROOOOMMM; VROOOOOMMMMM!", ladies and
gentlemen, which really hurt my ears!
There were a
lot of people in attendance for this VROOMM,
VROOOOOMMMMMING and I asked one of them, well,
actually I shouted at one of them: "HOW CAN
YOU STAND THE NOISE????" He shouted back at
me: "HERE, HAVE A TAMPON!". I thought
he was trying to screw me in the ear and it
almost got to fisticuffs, but the tampon was
intended for ear-protection. I was imagining the
single guys in attendance going to a pharmacy and
when the pharmacist gave them "the look",
explaining that it was for their ears... Funny
people, them!
Right then a
load of what I think were cars came whizzing by,
showering us with grit and hot oil. Again I
loudly asked what the fun of this exercise was
and the same man explained that they were going
really, really, really fast. I inquired if he had
seen who was in the lead, but evidently as they
were going really, really, really fast, he hadn't.
I asked if it wouldn't make more sense for them
to slow down a bit, so people could see them and
was called a fool!!??
He explained a
bit later on that there was a giant screen a bit
further down the track. I couldn't help myself
and wondered out loud (really loud) whether it
wouldn't make more sense to watch it from your
cosy chair at home and was given an ear full for
persisting in my obtuseness. I can't help it that
I like watching things that go really, really
slow, like watching paint dry or watching the
grass grow, can I?
Suddenly a
voice came out of nowhere and explained that
pilot whatshisname was jockeying for position and
I got really, really confused, ladies and
gentlemen! I looked all around us and there was
no race-track or horses in evidence anywhere. And
when I looked up there was only the clear, bleu
sky and not a plane in sight... Was I losing it?
When all the
hullaballoo had finally died down, this tampon-man
gave me the lowdown on what really went on there
and I can now proceed with the spilling of the
beans (figurative ones, ladies and gentlemen!) In
actuality these pilots drive planes with no wings
and they go around in circles really, really,
really fast and then they do some more circles,
actually a whole lot of circles and the first one
to get nowhere gets given a shit load of money!
The rest of them get bugger all...
I told the man
that this was extremely unfair, because I had
personally been going nowhere for years and had
not yet received a farthing. He told me with a
note of exasperation that it was because I hadn't
come first yet... I gave up and went home to do
some knitting.
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