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An Admirable Way
by Clive Aaron Gill

Most nights, for a month, I sat in tie-dye pajamas on my sofa, eating chocolate chip cookies. During weekdays, while doing clinical trials as a researcher, I experienced frequent episodes of self-doubt, obsessing over my lack of thoroughness on a vaccine trial.

To avoid thinking about the past or future, I shifted my awareness to the present by watching birds outside my bedroom before my breakfasts and focusing on my breathing. I was intelligent and capable. I had overcome other obstacles, especially my fear of change. And I was determined to defeat self-doubt.

But I needed help. So, in January 2021, I enrolled in a “New Year, New You” boot camp.

Maurice, my gym trainer, suggested a nutritional diet and exercises. “Let’s start with some stretching, Kourtney,” he said.

I ate small portions of healthy food, went to the gym regularly, and Maurice gradually increased my repetitions. “Girl,” he said, “see how long you can get your target heart rate at ninety percent of your heart’s capacity.”

Five weeks later, I worked out on my own. After a four-mile run on the treadmill, my knees wobbled and sweat matted my hair. Then I jumped rope. I hopped over a Bosu ball, hopped back, squatted, grabbed the ball, stood, and squatted again.

In May, I thought, “I’m putting myself through torture. It’s all pain and very little gain. And I still feel insecure.” I hated the fitness buffs who talked about the rush they got when exercising as if they actually enjoyed their workouts.

I fantasized about eating fast food. So, after six months, I quit trying to be a person who handles self-doubt in an admirable way. Remembering the high I got when eating fast food, I had no doubt about what I wanted. I hurried to Burger King where I felt secure while indulging in a Triple Whopper with extra mayo and an Oreo Chocolate Shake.